Being a Mommy

I wrote this post this past weekend in Wyoming. I never published it, mostly because I forgot, and partly because I just needed some space to write for myself. But here it is. I'll go ahead and put it out there to the blog world. While mostly serving as a platform to chronicle Jonathan's growth and development and cuteness, this blog is also the story of my journey as a mom and Jon and I as parents. If nothing else, I hope this blog is full of honesty. So here's a glimpse into my mommy-journey as of last weekend. 

There have been several instances over the past 7 weeks when the reality of this new mommy-life really sinks in. I've been very thankful that so much of mommy-ing (especially at first) is hormonal and instinctual. Otherwise, so much of the sacrifice and self-lessness that it requires would be non-existent for me! I am so glad that years and years of mommies have passed down these basic abilities to me and that I get to join the ranks of mothers from across the generations.

It's a pretty impressive job.

Never before did I think anything could stand in the way of me and my urge to pee. Or me and my desire to sleep. Or my need to eat. But this little (big!) 10lb boy can come first in any of those instances. There have been times when Jon is holding him and Jonathan falls asleep and then Jon realizes he has to go to the bathroom. I look at him like he is crazy for even considering moving this sleeping child and tell him I am sorry but I cannot help him with his situation. 

This weekend I have been faced even more concretely with this new reality. Trips away from home will never be what they used to. Right now I am sitting out on the porch of our hotel room. Jonathan is trying to fall asleep inside. I am freezing. Do I go inside to get my jacket? Um yah, if I am a lunatic! My baby could have just fallen asleep and if I wake him up it means a grumpy fussy morning. At least I don't have to pee. I showered, brushed my teeth, got dressed, dried my hair, and used the bathroom in about 15 minutes this morning while Jon played with Jonathan. That's all the self-care I need for the day! 

Don't get me wrong. This post is not meant to have the sense of martyrdom that I know might be coming across. I don't think I am anything special because I want to put my baby before myself. It's not always easy or natural for me. I am just noticing the completeness of the sacrifice that comes with having a child. 

For example, I am tired right now. Jonathan did not nap at all yesterday and woke up frequently last night. But this morning all I want is for my baby to sleep. Not so that I can get a nap in, but because I see in his eyes that he is painfully tired. I am amazed that the thought of sleep for myself barely enters my mind. It doesn't even compare to the overwhelming desire I have for my boy to get some rest. It hurts me to see him so exhausted while his little 7 week old brain doesn't know how to stop sending signals to his arms and legs to flail around. He doesn't know how to let his eyes close and turn off his sensors and give in to the sleep. At least, not when he is this tired. I know what he needs is sleep. So sitting on the porch right now represents the catch-22 in which I am also sitting. I don't want my baby to suffer. I know he is suffering because he is tired and can't fall asleep. I want to go in and soothe him. But then he will have even more trouble falling asleep because he will want to hang out with me. And then he will be more tired. Letting him cry and going to soothe him both could mean that he suffers. So I have to choose. I'm letting him fuss. Right now he's quiet. He's learning. 

I had a great talk with another mommy-friend this week. (You can look at her blog on the side of this page to see pictures of her adorable little girl). I told her that I am coming into the realization that I want to put my needs aside even further as I realize how important sleep is to my baby. I need to give up wanting to go see Jon at work. Or taking a walk if it's not the best time. Or having lunch or dinner with friends if Jonathan is tired. We were laughing about how we both wanted "flexible" babies, and while we were pregnant, we made "plans" about how we would never be "those" parents who don't have a social life because their kids need to nap. Well, goodbye social life, hello well-rested happy baby. I'll take the latter. It has taken 7 weeks of having a baby to make the latter look more desirable, but I finally get it! And we do have a flexible baby. Jonathan is such an easy, sweet, happy baby--when he has had a good nap. I guess that's not too surprising. I'm easy, sweet, and happy--when I have had 8 hours of sleep. (Can you guess if those adjectives describe me today?? :) )

I'm rambling. But I need something to occupy my time and focus while I sit on this porch and listen to my son cry on and off as he learns how to give in to sleep. Thanks for sitting here with me. 

Here's a picture of my well-rested-happy-sweet baby. (Note: This picture was not taken this weekend)