38 weeks...

This may be one of those posts that is more for me to read back over later. I feel like a lot happened today that I don't want to forget, but will surely forget. Especially on baby #4 or something... I know that this time may become a blur!

38 week appointment today. Jon couldn't go because he had class, but I was in a much better emotional state than the last time he couldn't go (remember that 20 week visit...?). I met a new midwife today. She is the owner of the birthing center and had taken a few months to take on a more administrative role, and is now back to attending births. I was a little nervous about meeting someone new this late in the game. I have loved the other 4 midwives and felt quite content thinking about one of them attending our birth. Needless to say, this midwife today was AWESOME. She made me feel so cared for, cared about, valued. Wow. I want to treat patients like she treated me today. She had time for me. She asked me questions no one had asked before (Do you have support for after the birth? Do any other couples you know have kids? How are you feeling about breastfeeding?). She never made me feel like my questions or concerns were silly. I actually thought I didn't have any questions but she answered ones I didn't even know I had in my mind! What a wonderful visit and another boost of reassurance and confidence about delivering at this birth center.

Baby is still doing great. She thinks I have a small to average size baby, and very well proportioned to my frame. She said the head is a good size, not too big--I thought, This lady really knows what to say to a first-timer!! ha!

(ok this is all the stuff that might be more for me to remember later, but feel free to read on!)
She checked me again, and I didn't feel high maintenence like I did last time when the midwife checked me. This time she was actually suggesting that we check so that I can continue to know what my body is doing. So, I will fill you in. Last time I was 1 cm, 50% effaced, and about -2 station (I don't remember what those stations mean exactly, but they move toward positive as the baby gets lower). Today I am 2 cm, 50% effaced, and a -1 or 0 station. She could actually feel the baby's head, and said that my cervix has done the preliminary work of facing forward rather than slightly tilted back like it is during most of pregnancy. It is so good for me to know that. To know that my body is getting this process started, and that I am feeling this process happening. So thankful that my body is doing this early stuff gradually...

I feel ready to have a baby. I want to have a baby. Jon has one more day of this class that he can't miss, and then I think my mind will release my body to do whatever it needs to do. Not that I will definitely have a baby this weekend, or even next week. But I can definitely feel a shift internally--I was "ready" before, but I think still holding out from releasing this baby since I knew Jon had this class. Now I feel more in the releasing mode.

Sure there are still "things" holding me back. I don't feel like I've practiced enough pain coping techniques. I haven't made my perfect labor music mix. I've just ordered our registry completion today and the stuff won't get here until next week. I am supposed to work next week. The damn carseat is not in the car. Our bag is not packed. I feel like I haven't gotten to spend much time with Jon this week. I haven't stretched or rested enough... do you catch my drift? But I feel like I am releasing all those things too.

So, I'm going to do a load of baby laundry. Then we are going to a friend's house for dinner and The Office finale. Then tomorrow I will probably get up and go to work. Then this weekend I will rest and spend time with Jon. And we will see...

Car seat is going in the car TOMORROW!

37 weeks

That's right ladies and gentleman, this baby is fully cooked!

Reaching the full-term mark really does come with a sigh of relief for both Jon and I (and maybe for baby??). Now baby can come at any time. I don't have to get nervous if I have several contractions in a row. I'm trying to get lots of rest in preparation for labor (this weekend doesn't count with all the graduation festivities...). There's really not much else to do... oh except get the carseat in the car. Oh and pack our bag.

Our visit in Friday went just fine. The midwives don't routinely check your cervix like most OBGYNs do starting at 36 weeks. They emphasize how a cervical check really only tells you about the present and the past, and very little about the future, and don't want themselves or the mamas to get hung up about a single check. I think this is a good idea. But I still had my midwife check me because I wanted to know if my body was doing what I thought it was doing these past couple weeks. I'm not gonna tell you what she said because I don't want YOU (Mom) to get hung up on it :) I feel like we've got a few more weeks left... but we never know!

Some thoughts on labor

I've had another reflective week. I'm thankful I've had time to sit, listen, learn. I'm re-reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. One of my favs. Goodness that woman will make you want to give birth right here right now, pregnant or not!

She talks about pain in ways that are quite useful to a pregnant woman anticipating entering labor. How pain in childbirth is not the same kind of pain as anything else. We cut our finger while chopping veggies, and the pain signals our brain to put down the knife, stop the bleeding. There is nothing productive about that pain other than to signal us to step away from the painful stimulus. But in labor it's different. The pain signal isn't for the purpose of telling us to run away. It's producing something. Changing our bodies to complete a process. In labor, it's the act of giving in to the pain, rather than fleeing from the pain, that makes all the difference.

...Sidenote: this is all of course an abstract concept in my mind. I have no idea what labor is like. But you knew that already...

I've been drawing some parallels between labor and life. Earlier this week I had a soul-stirring chat with a good friend about vulnerability. How vulnerability means being who you are, not who you want to be or think you need to be. How it means facing the struggles, not running to escape them. How it means allowing others to see you where you're at, not producing a facade just to make them comfortable. I think it means giving in to the situation, not trying to manipulate it in any way. I want to do that in labor. I want to give in to it. Accept what my body needs to do. I think it will be the ultimate act of vulnerability. I told God that I expect to meet him there.

During this conversation with my friend, we talked about the numbing process - how, to escape the hard stuff in life, we so often numb ourselves to it. And realizing that we cannot selectively numb: if we are seeking to numb the bad, inevitably we numb the good. I asked her why she thinks this is the case, and she humbly yet profoundly answered that it seems that is God's design. That's what Jesus's deal seems to be: the ultimate sacrifice producing the ultimate gift and invitation of love. Ohhh.... I thought. Yeah.... That makes sense. In a not-able-to-comprehend-it kind of way. God modeled for us the necessity of being vulnerable - giving in to the struggle to allow ourselves to be brought to the other side.

Ina May talks about the natural cycle of hormones that play out during labor. And how, when that cycle is allowed to happen without manipulation, it ends in an almost euphoric state of pleasure, satisfaction, love. The bonding hormone (oxytocin) makes a huge surge once the baby is born to complete that complex labor hormone cycle. But the only way to get there is to walk through the stuff leading up to it.  It makes sense that when we numb the bad (pain) we also numb the good (oxytocin). I want that oxytocin. I want it bad!

Now, I know I will not remember that I want it when I am at 7 cm and entering transition. Jon and Mom, you can try to remind me if you like. If I tell you to go to hell, I'm sorry in advance.

Bassinet

{Sorry if you've tried to read my last post and haven't been able to get to it. Blogger has been messed up for a couple days and hopefully they will restore my last post... until then...}

It's no secret that the arrival of Baby Buck is a highly anticipated event in the Lanni and Buck clans. Jon and I feel so lucky that our kids get to be born into such wonderful, loving families. We try never to overlook the significance of this little one joining our family and having a place there. We both are excited to pass on our legacy, our family's heritage, to our children, and in our own lives have found comfort in being a part of the legacy passed down to us. We know how important it is to know that you are a part of something bigger than yourself, and so often the most obvious source of that fact is through family.

That's why this bassinet is so special to me. My Gramps slept in this bassinet. So did his brother and sister. So did my mom and her siblings and their cousins. So did my sister and I and my cousins and my mom's cousin's kids. (So did some other people who maybe aren't related to us ha!) I of course don't remember sleeping here, but I do remember it being in our house when my sister was born.

There is a list of over 30 people that have spent their infancy sleeping snug in this cozy space. The list gets passed along with the bassinet.

The bassinet is all set up in our room ready for Little One to be at arms reach from me during the night.

Baby B will be the first of the 4th generation to get to sleep here. Pretty special. Little one, you don't even know it, but in so many ways you are being born into your special place in this world, a place that has already been prepared for you, a place that a long line of family members are excited for you to fill. You will not recognize the significance of this little sleeping basket right now, but someday I hope you will.

32 weeks

No belly picture to show you today, just an update about our appointment yesterday. It was a fun one! We are loving this stage of pregnancy and really had no concerns, so we just got to hear the heartbeat and feel the baby a little. The midwife showed us how to feel the head (baby is head down position---so thankful for that!) and showed us how to tell where the butt and back are. We loved being able to feel those body parts and just get to know this little one better.

We have 1 more birthing class next monday. We have really been enjoying these classes and learning a lot from them. Next week we will actually go up to the birthing center to try some relaxation techniques and get to know all the equipment/tools/props they have available during labor. Should be fun!

I'm also happy to report that our little bundle is now a whole 4 pounds and 17 inches long. That is just so big to me but the baby will potentially double in size in the next 8 weeks! I loved reading about what baby is "doing" just chilling out inside me: "He's busy blinking, looking around, grabbing things, making faces, practicing his breathing, peeing and listening to everything around him." I also am pretty sure that in these last few weeks I have felt baby having hiccup spells. I thought hiccups would feel very distinct and obvious, but it took me a little while to figure out that's what they were. I thought that our baby just had a superb sense of rhythm... but I think hiccups are the more likely option.

Happy weekend!

31 weeks

I mean for real.

This belly is huge.

I don't all the way realize it until I look at a picture like this...

Today I wore my first maternity shirt to work (not the shirt in the picture--these are my post-work-about-to-take-a-walk clothes). I felt very maternity-ish. It was the classic flowy bottom and ties around the middle. I hadn't bought actual maternity clothes yet and was hoping I could just make it these last few weeks... but then a co-worker brought in her old maternity shirts for me so now I have some clothes that will fit over my belly! Woohoo!

Baby B is now 3.5 pounds and 16 inches long!

Exciting news is that I think Baby B is starting to be in a head-down position more and more. I can tell because I can feel hand fluttering down by the bladder and kicks up higher. The other day I was on the phone with Kate and the little bugger kicked me so hard in the liver that I shouted out! That could be another year of no video games if you don't watch yourself, little one...

Tonight is a chill night. Frozen pizza. Jon's doing some chess something. I'm hoping to finish a really awesome book called Birthing From Within. You should read it. If you are pregnant. Or if you aren't.

Have a good weekend folks! Hope your weather is as lovely as ours!!!

Pregnancy brain

Sigh.... I need to take a break from my current project for a second. I'm sewing fabric panels to cover the closet in the baby's room. Probably the easiest sewing project I have undertaken so far. And I just spent 15 minutes ripping out a seam along a 6 foot panel because I sewed the pieces together backwards. Thanks Mom for buying me a seam ripper for my birthday last year when I got my sewing machine.

Pregnancy brain is for real.

I find myself dropping things on a regular basis. At work I will be putting something on my desk as I run past it in between patients and it will turn out the desk is a good 6 inches away from where I actually thought it was. Whatever object was heading towards it will clatter to the floor. Luckily most things made for pediatrics are sturdy. I have dropped my $400 otoscope several times these past few months. I also drop dishes all the time while washing them. They splash into the sink and spray me with water.

The other day I was drinking a glass of milk and somehow forgot to tilt the glass back upright before bringing it away from my mouth. I got a lot of milk on my lap.

So this sewing project is just another example of my life as I know it now. But can I just say that I try to compensate for what I know is a decrease in mental function--and that I even double checked the fabric before I sewed it and I still did it wrong...

Dear little baby in my belly, I love you so much. I love having you inside me. But remember how Daddy and I have been talking to you about how great it will be if you come out of my belly early? Well, I just wanted to remind you of those chats. We are so excited to meet you and get to hold you and kiss you and the sooner the better! And also, Mommy really needs her brain back so the sooner you come out the sooner that will happen! Please remember to leave behind any of her arithmetic skills, memory, sentence-forming ability, and brain processing speed when you do decide to come out. You are kicking me right now so hopefully that means you understand! Wait, is that laughter I hear from my belly... ?


{Hopefully at this moment I am taking on the bulk of the stupidity available to our family because Jon needs the brain power more than I do--RIGHT NOW he is in the middle of defending his orals paper! I am so so proud of him. This will be basically the culmination of his entire seminary experience. He has worked so hard and learned so much!!}

27 and 29 weeks (3rd trimester!!)

I know, I know. It's been a while. Don't worry, Aunt Judy, I'm doing fine :)

The last belly pic we took was at 27 weeks but then I left for NYC and never posted it, so here is the 27 week and 29 week pic.

27 weeks.
Things are starting to look rather large... and apparently it is scaring me. Note that this shirt doesn't cover my whole belly--this has been happening a lot lately. 

29 weeks.
It's looking more and more like I shoved a basketball up my shirt. 

 Crazy the difference these 2 weeks have made!

So last Monday we went for a prenatal visit and it was our first visit of our 3rd trimester. The visit was perfect--still measuring right on target, good heart rate, etc etc. We got to meet one of the midwives we hadn't met yet and we loved her! Third trimester has felt different all ready. It feels like we are really in the middle of baby preparation and it is crazy to be able to say the due date is in 10.5 weeks. (And that means I am full term in 7.5 weeks--yikes!!). The biggest shock to us was the realization that from this point on, we will be going to the birthing center every single week until the due date, either with some kind of class or some kind of appointment. Crazy! We start our birthing classes tomorrow evening, which we are both excited about, but honestly with our crazy weekend and past weeks I keep forgetting about! I will remember tomorrow I promise.

My belly is starting to make me uncomfortable, but still overall this pregnancy has been a breeze. We are still having so much fun with this baby in my belly. Lots and lots of movement still and I'm trying to learn baby's patterns throughout the day. I know I always say it, but we fall more in love with this baby every day. We are both glad that we didn't find out the gender and are excited about the surprise awaiting us!! I honestly never even think about or wish we had found out.

I know I haven't posted about NYC yet. It was awesome for sure--great time with Mom, Dad, Kate, and baby, and got to see lots of family. (Kate can I download pics from your Flickr account to put on here?) I was a little shocked, though, at how tired my body got during the travels... I don't know why I was surprised, because I am lugging around 25 extra pounds these days (yes, you read that right). But man it is hard to walk all day when your belly is hanging out over your pants! Lesson learned.

One of my favorite stories from the trip: As you know, the baby is quite an active one. I was excited about the family getting to feel lots of movement, but of course the first few days we were there she was hardly moving at all! I was bummed out for sure. I was joking with Jon that she just missed her daddy and didn't feel like moving around. So one afternoon I put the phone up to my belly so the baby could hear Jon's voice and she kicked right on the phone! It was awesome. Then we tried it again and sure enough, a jab right in the direction of daddy's voice. Me and Kate loved seeing it happen on our side, and Jon loved knowing that baby responded to her daddy. It was quite special. (Are you proud of me for using "she" so much in that paragraph?)

I'm feeling a bit absent minded at the moment. It is possible none of these sentences are actually coherent. We have had a productive but exhausting weekend doing projects for baby and house. I will post those pics later this week. Nice to be getting things checked off the list!!!