jonathan's birth story, part 2

Welcome back for round two of long labor story. You can read part 1 to catch up if you want...

There were times throughout labor that I would get a fleeting thought of What if this doesn't work? What if he won't come out? What if I have to transfer to the hospital? And then things would smooth out and I would forget those thoughts. But then seeing the midwife starting to get concerned really made me wonder what was going to happen. Finally, she actually suggested that we transfer. She was pretty sure his head wasn't going to turn, and since my contractions were slowing down, she wondered if maybe some Pitocin would ramp things back up and hopefully force him into the right position. 

I remember feeling so defeated. So helpless. A transfer? That's not what we had planned for. Going to the hospital? How much is that going to cost? How long will we have to stay there? Will they care for us how the birthing center cared for us? We didn't even have anything packed - at the birthing center you go home a few hours after the baby is born. Really, we have to go the hospital? 

At this point, it was about 4 or 5 in the afternoon, around 20 hours of active labor. All that work. For nothing? I felt so confused. So sad. So angry. 

When we got to the hospital, the plan was to administer Pitocin, start an epidural, and give the meds a few hours to see if anything changed. Then we would try pushing again to see if Jonathan had turned at all. When the new doctor came in, he basically recommended a c-section right away. We were like, Oh no you don't understand. We are not here for a c-section. We are just here for some help in getting over this bump, and then we will have a regular birth. No c-section for us, thank you. We are birthing center people. We don't do surgeries. 

So a few hours passed, and then I tried pushing again for another 30 minutes or so. Nothing. Still stuck. The doctor came back in and again recommended a c-section. It looked like that was going to be our only option. We resigned ourselves to this fact, and the preparations for surgery got under way.

Jonathan was born at 8:17pm on Monday, May 30 - Memorial Day - via c-section. I was a bit reassured of our need for the surgery when the doctor said something along the lines of Here he is! - wait - move his head around that way - no, turn it the other way - ok now pull him out - Now here he is! Turns out he was indeed posterior, and also somehow crooked, so that his forehead was jutting up against my pelvic bone and couldn't get past. 

First family photo. All looking our best.

He cried vigorously right away and was perfectly healthy. Jon announced to the whole operating room It's a boy! I was so proud of my boy for hanging in there during that long and hard labor. All throughout, whenever they checked his heartbeat, he was perfect, just hanging out wondering when we would realize he was stuck. Just like his disposition a year later, he started out life acting pretty chill. Meeting Jonathan face to face for the first time was exhilarating. Even after all that we had just gone through, love immediately welled up in me from places I didn't know I had. After he was born, I was shaking and sobbing and shouting I love him! I love him so much which you can hear in the background of the video of Jonathan's first moments. 

Once we got home, Jon and I admittedly had a hard time coming to terms with our birth story. We knew that birth never goes "according to plan," but we definitely were not prepared for such a drastic detour in ours. If we were honest, we kind of realized that we had been natural birthing snobs, looking down on procedures like c-sections when they are utilized for the wrong reasons. Even though ours was for the "right" reasons, it was still hard to accept that it was the right thing to do. I was embarrassed. We racked our brains in the weeks after, trying to figure out "what went wrong." We were mad at God - where the heck were You? Why didn't You warn us about this? Couldn't you have changed things up a bit? 

As I relayed our story to a friend, she asked me something along the lines of Why does it matter how it happened as long as the baby is healthy? Isn't the outcome the same either way, and isn't that the important thing? The simple answer is, of course, Yes, what matters is having a healthy baby (and healthy mom). The more complicated answer, though, is that a birth changes you. It is a rite of passage in the most complete sense of the phrase. After a birth, a mom is never the same. Not just because now she has a baby to care for, but because whatever the process, whatever the experience, this was the time that you faced your most vulnerable, raw, foundational place. Birthing is what we were made to do. Our bodies were built for it. Going through a labor means turning inwards and standing eye to eye with your most essential self, and emerging on the other side means your eyes have been opened to parts of you that you never knew were there. This happens, I think, whether you have a labor that is long or short, natural or medicated, unexpected or routine. Whether you pop into the hospital to be induced and then sit for eight hours connected to wires and don't feel a thing, or you labor for three days working hard through every contraction your body produces, every woman has a story. Her birth story. And it is a story that changes each and every one of us. For better or for worse - which hard for me to say, but I really think that it's true. Some women are scarred by their birth stories, while others are transformed, themselves being "birthed" into newness along with their baby. 

Processing my birth story has been as essential as going through the actual process itself. Jon and I found that we each had to ask different questions and needed different answers. I needed to know that I hadn't let him down. That I hadn't let anyone down. That I was a good mom and had what my baby needed. That my body is made for this and that I didn't do anything wrong. That requiring medical intervention during birth did not mean I was a failure (or worse; post-birthing hormones can tell you all kinds of elaborate lies). 

At our six-week follow-up, back at the birthing center, Jon and I both got some much needed closure and assurance. Sarah, our midwife, confided that she knew we would have to have a c-section when she first brought up the idea of transferring. She also knew, though, that Jon and I were not yet at the point of accepting that, so she framed the transfer in light of getting some rest, using Pitocin, and trying to push again. She said in all her years of midwife-ing, all the labors that looked like mine had resulted in a c-section. She said that she knew I wasn't too tired, that I actually had a lot of steam left in me, and that my being able to do it or not wasn't a factor in her decision. I needed to hear that. I didn't feel too tired at the time of the transfer. I did feel like I could keep going. But Sarah knew best, and knew that it wasn't going to happen the way we were trying to make it happen. It was good for Jon to hear from her that we needed a c-section; even six weeks later he was still trying to figure out what could have been done differently, and he needed someone to lay his mind to rest. I did, too. 

I was also asked, by another friend, if I would have done anything differently throughout the whole pregnancy leading up to the labor. Like, would I still use the birthing center, would I have gotten any other interventions like more ultrasounds, etc. The answer was easy for me: No, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I loved being pregnant, and I think that our prenatal care experience at the birthing center had a lot to do with that. I am comfortable now with the very real probability that nothing we could have done would have changed our outcome of a c-section, and so, I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

So what's next for the future Buck babies? Since I had a c-section, my next labor will be considered higher risk because of the chance for uterine rupture, so I can't have my babies at the birthing center. We found a group of midwives, though, that treats pregnancy and birth in a very natural way, but they deliver babies at a hospital. This group has a very high VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) rate, and are huge proponents of women having VBACs. We aren't thrilled about the hospital part, but we realize that being higher risk means I need to have quick access to interventions if anything goes wrong. We still hope to have a natural birth. I freakin hated that epidural - it made me come out of my laborland zone and get all emotional and I hated having to sit still in one position while my body continued the work of labor unbeknownst to me - so I hope that I don't need one of those again. This hospital offers birthing tubs and water births and wireless monitors - yipeee! - so we are thankful that there is a good alternative to our beloved birthing center. 

Alright so that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hope it was an enjoyable read for you, if you managed to make it all this way. Don't we women just LOVE a good birthing story? I know I do. 

For your reading pleasure, you may want to look back at this post I wrote about labor. Or rather, my thoughts about labor. I hadn't actually experienced it yet, but I think I had some good things to say. Oh how much I've learned since then, though! 

jonathan's birth story, part 1

Nothing like the approaching first birthday of your son to make you feel like you have lots to write about and zero time to do it. I can't believe this is the first time I am sitting down to blog in a week!

I'd been wanting to write out our birth story and I have sure been thinking about it a lot lately. So here ya go. I'll do this in two parts because it ended up being quite lengthy and who doesn't love a little dose of suspense?

I had a pretty strong feeling Jonathan would be arriving before his due date. I had a pretty strong feeling he would be here on Memorial Day, actually. I was right on both counts. And while we are talking about me being right, let me mention that I also knew he was a boy (we didn't find out the gender during pregnancy). I assumed he wouldn't be cute - I don't know why - but thankfully I was wrong there.

At my 37 week appointment, I had dilated one centimeter, much to my skeptical midwife's surprise. Then another centimeter by 38 weeks, and at 39 weeks, I was up to three. I was contracting like crazy (I guess I'm just a major contractor - I had started having Braxton-Hicks since about 20 weeks) and thought I was in labor a couple times up to this point, so I was always relieved to know at my checkups that something was actually going on. At the 39 week appointment, the midwife swept the membranes to move things along, and we figured we would be back to see her within a day or two once labor started.

A little background: Jon and I chose to use a free-standing birthing center for our care. I don't like hospitals and I don't really like medicines used for pregnancy and labor. We both feel that pregnancy and labor and birth are natural and normal things and like the idea of a less medicine-oriented approach to care. We are hippies if hippie means going to a birthing center. Yes, we also use cloth diapers. And, yes, I breastfeed. But also, yes, I am a huge advocate for vaccines, and yes, I am a practitioner of western medicine. You can decide if we are bona-fide hippies based on all of this information.

We loved the birthing center and the midwives. I am so happy that we went that route. It was a perfect fit for us.

Ok. So early labor started 48 hours - almost on the dot - after the midwife swept my membranes. That was Sunday, when I was 39 weeks and 2 days. By about 9pm, active labor was in full swing. I labored at home for a long time, getting in and out of the tub, leaning on the backs of chairs, riding the contractions and feeling pretty good. I actually loved it. And that is not just post-baby amnesia. I actually remember thinking during labor that I really love this. Not that it didn't hurt, not that it wasn't hard work, but for some reason I was just so happy and excited.

Jon had been talking back and forth with the midwife, updating her on our progress. Around 1 or 2am, she wanted us to come on into the birthing center because my contractions were really close. I didn't want to go. I was feeling so good at home - (someday I want to have a home birth!) - but since she knew I dilated fast up to this point, she was pretty insistent that we head over there.

When we arrived, we found out I was 7cm. Yay! I was entering transition and still happy as a horse. I got into the birthing tub right away. Oh how I loved that tub. Ladies who are reading this: if your birth place has a tub, get.in.it. The contractions were intense at this point for sure, and I was having a LOT of back labor this whole time. Jon and my mom told me later that they had to contort themselves into all kinds of awkward positions in order to reach my back to put pressure on it while I was in the tub. During the contractions I HAD to have someone push on my back.

I had no concept of time throughout labor, until they told me that I needed my second dose of antibiotics (I was group B strep positive). When I had arrived and they gave me my first dose, they joked that I probably wouldn't need a second because things were progressing so rapidly. When they made me get out of the tub to administer my second dose, I clued into the fact that things were taking longer than everyone had anticipated.

At some point they checked me again and I was 9.5cm. There was one small lip of cervix left. The midwife had me out of the tub and on the birthing stool so she could try to move that lip of cervix back as I pushed during contractions. During this time, the midwife also broke my water (it hadn't broken yet--which I think was a major factor in how good I felt up to this point!). In the process of all her manipulating and my pushing, my cervix got really swollen, and Jonathan's head actually moved further back up rather than down, and so I was no longer almost 10cm.

I was pissed. When the midwife realized what was happening and told me to get off the stool so I could rest for a little while, I was like What the hell??!? Rest?!!? I just went through the most awful pain of my life and you want me to REST??!!!? Was that all for nothing?!!??? (The process of her manipulating my cervix while I pushed was seriously the most intense pain I have ever had; I remember thinking through that time that I'm not sure if I can do this.)

So I rested. Whatever that actually means when you are in labor. The contractions actually did slow down a little. Later on they checked me and my swelling had subsided, but now I wasn't 9cm anymore, so I had to dilate again. They were giving me some herbal thing to make my contractions stronger, and oh boy it worked. Yikes. Those contractions were crazy.

Once I got to 10cm again, the midwife was having me push during contractions while she was trying to move Jonathan's head so that he could fit better. It was at this point that she started to suspect that he might be posterior (face up). At all my check-ups he was in perfect anterior position, but with my back labor and halted progress, she figured maybe he had turned at some point. Great. So now his head was stuck and wasn't able to descend into the birth canal. I was pushing with all my might, and she was doing everything she could to turn him. If I thought earlier that I had experienced the worst pain of my life, that was nothing compared to now. But it was crazy that I didn't care. I wanted to push through the pain. I wanted this baby out. I was totally in the zone, totally in labor land, and everything in me was working for a single purpose.

---I'll stop there for now, but stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow! :)---

dear new mommy

Drumroll please....

Ladies and gentleman (well, probably only ladies).....

Today my very first (and quite possibly last) guest post is appearing on the lovely E's blog.

She asked us to write a letter to a new mom, which is probably my favorite topic ever 1. because I am a new mom and 2. because being a mom is maybe my favorite thing to be, talk about, and write about.

I am choosing not to freak out about my letter being posted today. I am choosing not to think about the fact that there have been five other fabulous ladies (who are talented writers and legit bloggers) who have gone before me this week. I am choosing not to think about the fact that I am E's BFF and that is the only reason why she asked me to write it. I am also NOT analyzing the fact that she put me on Saturday and really does anyone read blogs on Saturday?

Aren't you impressed by my calmness and coolness over the situation? Because I sure am.

Ok so go over to E's blog to read my letter. I was told by another legit blogger that I shouldn't put my letter here on my blog but should link you over there. Hope you enjoy it!

Happy Saturday!!!

nursing

Hello, ladies. There's been lots of talk lately about breastfeeding, thanks to TIME mag's wonderfully accurate portrayal on their cover. I've been wanting to reflect on our year of nursing, and I will chose to do so with no regard for the recent hype :). I'll also mention quickly that this post is not well-written. I'm in the mood to write about it but not really in the mood to edit it. Oh and the last warning is that it is all about boobs.... So read at your own risk.

I love nursing Jonathan. I was pretty sure that I would like it, but I didn't know I would love it. But I do. I really do. I'm thankful that we were designed this way, to nourish our babies like this - nourish them with food but also with love and comfort and contact.

That's not to say we haven't had some bumps along the way. We actually hit a major speed-bump right from the start when my milk didn't come in for SEVEN DAYS. Yes that is the truth. Little baby Jonathan just drank colostrum for his first week of life. He lived on the boob. And boy did I make some colostrum! I am around mommies and babies all the time and have never heard of someone being able to pump a whole ounce or more of purely colostrum. But right here ladies - this mama did.

I admit that when it comes to nursing, I did not know what I was doing. At all. Part of the reason my milk didn't come in for so long is because we didn't even nurse at all in the first 24 hours after J was born!!! I will do a lot of things differently with the next baby (if I had a nickel for every time I say that...).

For example, I will not watch the clock. I was a major clock watcher. I would wake him up when I thought it was time to nurse, and I would make sure he nursed for a certain amount of time. Not that I think these practices are that awful, but they have their down sides. With the next baby I will just be ok with nursing whenever s/he wants. I won't get so worried that I am doing something wrong if I have a hungry baby who seems to want to eat all the time. Who cares. Babies go through like a hundred growth spurts in the first fifty days of life, which I know from medical experience, but really know from mommy experience.

Gosh I remember those first few months of nursing - singing to him through the whole feeding to keep him awake enough to finish; wondering, do I pump? Will he wake up hungry in one second if I do pump? (Always the answer to that was YES, he WILL!); sore nipples - take a deep breath before he latches - YIKES!; feeling like we were getting the hang of things and then the next day feeling like we were doing this all wrong.

When I went back to work I started pumping three times per day. Jonathan never had much trouble with bottle/breast switching. I really feel lucky that pumping at work has never been much of an issue. An inconvenience, yes, but never a problem with my employer or anything. Pumping sucks (no pun intended), but it's worth it. I never was one to be able to pump a large volume, nor was I ever a big milk producer in general. I admit that sometimes I'm amazed that we've been able to nurse for as long as we have. There have been multiple times that I have been worried about my precarious supply, but things always seemed to work out (Jonathan would be less hungry for a few days so I could build up my storage supply, for example).

I didn't think much about nursing for a whole year or not. I just figured we would go for at least a year and see what happened. It wasn't really a big goal or something to work toward, it was just what we did, what worked for us. I do feel proud in a way I guess that I have been able to give this gift to my baby, but I understand nursing so differently than before I had Jonathan. I think it would have been weirder not to nurse, rather than something to try really hard to make happen. It was just so normal and natural. (Not to mention CONVENIENT!! Plane rides are much more pleasant with boobs full of milk available at all times.) And I do think it makes for a strong mommy-baby bond, because I know it is a major way that he and I connect.

I remember the first time Jonathan actually looked up at me and made eye contact while he nursed. I remember when he started always touching my face and mouth while he nursed. These days it is such fun cuddle time -  he is so cute when I tickle him and he does this funny grin/giggle but doesn't want to unlatch. Oh I will never forget these times.

So, aside from the first three days of major difficulties, and even with the few issues since then, I have absolutely loved nursing. (Have I mentioned that yet?) I am one of those moms. I get all teary-eyed and dreamy and hormonal-high when I think about nursing. I.just.love.it. You can lean past your computer keyboard to puke if you need to because of all the mushy-gushy-ness.

So now he's almost a year. What do we do next? I am sad to think about not nursing him as frequently, and pretty much crushed when I think about not nursing at all. I plan to start cutting back on our daytime nursings in the next month or so, and then cutting out the morning and before bed times when he is ready. I feel good about where we are at. If there is anything I have learned this year, it's that Jonathan is pretty good about doing things when he is ready, so I'm not feeling (too) worried or anxious about these next couple months.

Ok so that is our deal with nursing this past year. This was one of those posts that was just good for me to get into words. Sorry, no pictures to go along with this topic. I'd love to hear any other thoughts about nursing, though, especially how things went with weaning/switching to whole milk. (I know, I know, I'm supposed to know all this stuff - but you've heard me talk about how different it is to give advice to patients vs. actually do it!)

it's may...

...which means at the end of this month my sweet baby will turn one...

...which means I will spend the next thirty days being very sappy and sentimental and mushy and weepy...

...which means you may chose not to read this blog for a while! Ha! Or you can chose to be sappy and mushy right along with me :)

Happy may day!

11 month update

I don't even know where to start. Once again, Jonathan is a different baby than he was just one month ago. This is the month of learning new tricks! Haha, he's like our little puppet. He has learned so much... ahh I have so much to write about!

Dangit I still can't find this chapstick...

Let's just get right to the fun stuff.
I don't know how he learns the stuff he learns. For example, I had been trying to teach him to clap for about four months with no success, and then he just starts clapping one morning at breakfast. And, he understood right away when I said "clap" and he started clapping. THEN, I said "play the drums," (which I had never said before) and he started banging on his high chair table and will do this consistently now. He also randomly kissed me on the mouth when I said "kiss" one day. I don't know where he got this. But it is super cute. It's a big wet slobbery open-mouthed kiss. But he won't give mommy any kisses lately.

He really has some rhythm, eh?

This month he has figured out that different things have different words so we do a lot of pointing at things when we read stories. When we were on our cabin weekend, he pointed intentionally for the first time, at the ceiling fan of course (we don't have ceiling fans and he is fascinated by them whenever we are around one). He has been pointing at things non-stop since then, so we do a lot of naming things around the house as he points to them. He learns things really quickly, like today we were sitting outside and I pointed to a tree and a few minutes later I said "tree" and he pointed to it. He also likes pointing to my nose. And just a few minutes ago he did his first definite sign for "milk."

Pointing at the "tree."

The race for the first word was a close one. Mama and Dada were close contenders, but in the end, it looks like Dada will win out. Dada is still his word for excitement a lot, so we haven't officially counted it as his first word, but it pretty much is. He definitely says it in relation to Jon. Oh, and he has completely refused to say Mama for the past week or so. No big deal. I bet "ball" will be his official second word and he will just not bother saying Mama for another year or something. Cool. We also have a lot of success with "p" words like Pop and aPPle and sometimes uP. He may or may not have said Pizza at dinner tonight. He also knows our friends Barton and Sarah and we think their "names" are something like Ba and Sa.

Buds.

Still no pulling up on furniture. He loves standing up though and is getting good at it. He will cruise along furniture a little bit. He has still not figured out the crawling thing, but manages to get where he wants to go. His fine motor skills have developed a lot this month. He is so good at manipulating small objects.

He WANTS to crawl but can't figure out how to move those hands!

sleep
Still sleeping all night. Still one morning nap for 1.5-2 hours. No swaddle. Life is good.

haha--Every mama's favorite picture!

Happy boy waking up from his nap.

personality
He is getting SO independent and opinionated. And it is hilarious to watch him play with toys and put them all where he wants them, which is often behind him. When we nurse, my hands have to be in exactly the right spots and he will move them into those spots if I haven't already. He is still such an "inspector," noticing all the little details about everything around him and having to touch them all. He will study the cause and effect of so many different things. ("What will happen if I drop this pancake on the floor?" "What about if I drop this Cheerio on top of it?" "Will mommy stop being mad if I start wobbling my head around and laughing?") He's definitely a thinker and an observer. And I still describe him as so eager. Eager to play with other kids. Eager to learn to things. Eager to start the day. Eager to let go of my hands while he's walking--oh wait, that's actually called fearless. Yep. He's definitely fearless too.

I don't know if this is playing or bored.

Wishing he was playing frisbee with the big kids.

Here are some more things that I don't feel like writing into paragraphs:
-He will make an attempt at a high five. A weak attempt though.
-He likes the swings at the park.
-He will eat just about anything now. That is, I will feed him just about anything.
-He has learned to spit things out that he doesn't like.
-Still nursing.


mama time
Gosh I am so crazy about this kid. So so in love.

I'm becoming more confident about and comfortable with his pace in life. Like sometimes I get worried that he's not doing something, but then he wakes up the next morning and does it. Like with the swaddle--he all of a sudden just didn't need it, but up until that day he needed it and that's ok. We have gone through enough of these cycles that I know we will eventually get there, wherever "there" is. I freak out a little thinking about starting whole milk and decreasing nursing, but then I remember that we will get there. When will he walk? He'll get there. When will he be better at feeding himself? Eventually.

He was on a little mama strike for a while this month. Of course he still wanted to be held and nursed and loved on, but he wouldn't say mama or give me a kiss or be as excited to see me when I got home. But he knows I'm mama. He knows I'm always there. Early on this would have freaked me out--"Why doesn't he love me more!??!?" But now I'm cool with it. I guess this will be my whole mom-life. Loving him so darn much with or without anything in return. And having such a strong desire to have him close and cuddly and mine, but also being so proud when he takes a step away from me and into the world. When he learns a new thing. When he becomes increasingly independent. He knows I'm here. I know I'm here. We're a pair.

10 month update

Jonathan is a DIFFERENT baby than he was one month ago. The changes happen every day. It is so fun! I am writing this post a few days after his ten month birthday, and I feel like he has even changed so much in just 4 days...

I can't get enough of this face.

physical

I am very happy to report that Jonathan still has only eight teeth. Whew! We needed a month off from teething! He wears 12-18 month clothes and we have been enjoying wearing all the new spring clothes we bought at a consignment sale. (Except for today when we have a ton of snow. Thanks Grammy for getting us some big boy winter clothes too!)

eating

Jonathan's big milestone in this category is that this month he learned how to chew. We have come a long way with textures this month. He actually uses his teeth to chew up goldfish and cheerios. It is cute.

He is less interested in milk these days. We do a long nursing session morning and night, but we are lucky to get 8oz in him throughout the day. Our challenge these next two months will be to keep pumping breastmilk in him before we switch to whole milk.

Wind-swept and sun-faced

sleep

Perhaps our biggest milestone this month: Jonathan David Buck Jr is now SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. Yeeehawww. We did the cry it out method and it went really well. He only cried a few nights and only for a very short duration. I was doing a dreamfeed (picking him up while he is still sleeping and offering him a feeding while he snoozes) around 9 or 10pm for a while, but we have dropped that because now that he mostly sleeps without a swaddle, it seems to wake him up too much. Yes, that's right, most nights he is swaddle-free. We kind of let him decide whether he wants it or not. I feel relieved about that.

Everyone is excited about sleeping through the night!

Last month he was showing hints of only needing one nap, but in the past week he has pretty consistently not taken his afternoon nap even when we put him down. He just lays in there and sings to himself or plays with his bumper. It's nice now to have the flexibility to plan something out of the house all afternoon, or be able to try to get in a second nap if he is extra tired that day. I must say I'm surprised we are already at this point of one nap; I thought it wouldn't happen for a few more months. I'm also surprised that he's keeping the morning nap but chucking the afternoon one, but whatev.  

development

He is SO close to saying mama and dada in the right context. If we say it, he will look at the right person about two out of three times. He has said the words while seeming to refer to us several times, but then he just continues to babble "mamammaamma" or "daddadddaa" while he plays with his toys or something. Jon's goal is to get him saying it for real by the end of the week. Ha.

My favs.

On the motor skills front, he still isn't crawling, and I still think he won't be much of a crawler. He rolls across the room in ten seconds flat and scoots and pivots to get where he wants to go. When he's sitting up he will let himself fall down (sometimes gracefully, most often not) so that he can get to his belly to roll. He is pulling up to a stand if he uses our hands, but hasn't quite gotten a good enough grip on the furniture to do this. He likes "walking" while we hold onto his hands. (This is a major development, and a recent one. The concept of taking several steps forward was pretty absent from his brain until this weekend. He usually just got so excited to be standing that he would start bouncing and dancing and then fall down.) We continue to be amazed at his fine motor coordination. His little fingers are amazing!

personality
Along with that fine motor coordination comes a lot of "inspecting." He really likes to see how things work, and will touch things with the tips of his fingers to see what happens. Often a Cheerio will get stuck there and he will be mesmerized. He is so curious about the world and likes studying it.

This is how Jonathan "reads" books now. He loves turning it every direction to see it from all angles. He does this with other things too, but mostly books. I love seeing his little brain working and hearing him talk to the book as he's turning it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: this child loves being silly. This month he has started to make a really loud (and kind of fake) laugh, especially when we are not paying attention to him or we have a lot of people over. If we are laughing at something else, he will do his huge laugh to join in.

He likes showing us what he wants us to do, like if he's sitting down he will reach out for your hands to pull up. Or he will move your hand out of the way if he wants to get something. He's quite opinionated, while still somehow maintaining such a sweet, laid back disposition. I could really learn something from him--he has the perfect balance!

ten-month-old mama

Part of the reason there have been so many changes this month is because Jon and I have had to make some hard choices. Not hard because the outcomes would be hard, but hard because we didn't know what the process to get to the outcomes would be. It's hard because we had to make the conscious decision to change the status quo because we thought it was best for our family. Crying it out was one example, which ended up being easy. Another example has been pushing him to eat more solid foods at the risk of him getting turned off from the eating thing all together. On the flip side, though, we have learned to trust our son even more this month. Jonathan has shown us that he is ready or not ready for a few things, which makes our decision-making job easier.

I am so proud of our son. He is so full of joy and makes our lives full of joy. Jonathan, I LOVE being your mommy!

9 month un-update

Poor baby J doesn't get a 9-month birthday. There is no February 30, so sometime this week he will just magically morph into a 9-month old. I guess you call days that are not your birthday "un-birthdays." So today we celebrate Jonathan's unbirthday and give you an unupdate. Just go with it.

physical
Any of you that read the teething post on Monday already know about our major physical change this month: four more little teeth have emerged. Actually three more. This last one is a DOOZY and has barely broken through yet. Also, he's about grown out of his 9-month clothes that he has been wearing for the past 3 months. Bummer. I am going to look for some spring yard sales to stock up on bigger clothes!

Cool dude

eating
We are giving him more grown-up foods here and there. He ate a pancake the other day. I gave him an egg yolk (not his favorite). AND we are seeing no more evidence of dairy sensitivity so we are going to try some yogurt maybe next week. {More importantly, that means..... a Dairy Queen Blizzard is in my future! And maybe also some muenster cheese. Oooh and Double Stuff Oreos dunked in REAL milk. So apparently I have been dreaming in dairy that past few months.} I still don't really know how much breastmilk he consumes during a day, but apparently it is enough. As I say every month, I had a week that I was worried about my supply (Jonathan became part piggy for several days and we got down to only THREE bags of milk left in the freezer). I started pumping on my days off and now we are back to normal.

Rockin the prune-stache

The final note about eating is that poor Jonathan gets really constipated so we are trying to figure out the best balance of fiber-y solids for him. I've been sprinkling oat bran on his baby foods. And we are looking into making some of our own food so that we can feed him some more bulk in the form of fruits and veggies. I will definitely be doing a post about all this soon, once we get some things figured out (starting solids AND constipation of course).

sleep
We thought for a few days he was showing signs of not needing his morning nap. But we were wrong. Still two naps per day (to the relief of his parents). Nights are still pretty much the same except for when this pesky tooth keeps him awake. He generally wakes once for a feeding, and sometimes another time in the early morning hours. Jon and I have been talking about doing some cry-it-out once this tooth pops through. I think we are almost ready... sigh...

He also has been wanting to be put down in his crib before he actually falls asleep. Usually we nurse to sleep at night, but he has been making it clear when he is tired and does NOT want to nurse. I feel like I sigh in relief whenever he shows us he's ready for something different; anything that cuts out the guesswork of mommying is welcome. I am honestly not sure how we will ever wean him from his swaddle. We didn't make huge efforts to do it when he was younger, and now he's just so used to it. I wonder if that will be another thing that all of a sudden he just doesn't want anymore. I don't know why I feel like it's a big deal that my 9-month-old is still swaddled for sleep when it really doesn't matter at all. Just one of my things, I guess.

This has nothing to do with sleep, but this picture is so cute I had to include it.
Jonathan got to have some long playdates this week since our friend Anna's babysitter had a family emergency.
Obviously they are in love. 

development
Ok this is the fun stuff! He is learning so many sounds. No official words yet, but if you saw one of our recent posts, I mentioned that "Mama" and "Dada" do mean specific things, they just don't refer to Jon or myself. He loves when we mimic sounds back and forth. He definitely knows his name, and will turn to us whenever we say it. He also will follow a command when he wants to. I can say "Don't drop it," when he is dangling a toy over his high chair tray, and if he's in the mood, he will move it back onto the tray.

When he feels like it, Jonathan will do a tip-on-command. 

Afterwards, he likes to talk about how proud of himself he is. 

On the motor skill front, he is a rolling champ and will get from one end of the room to another pretty easily. He looks like he is thinking about crawling, but no actual progress there. When he's on his tummy he gets distracted by things on the carpet so he can't also think about getting his butt up in the air. Speaking of things on the carpet, this is that stage. The one where parents describe their babies as floor cleaners. His pincer grasp is very developed and he enjoys trying to pick up my freckles. Trying to grasp my collar bone will also entertain him for several minutes. The best part of his fine motor skill development is PAGE TURNING. He loves loves loves turning pages. It is so cute, but has made for some very fast story-reading. He also is starting to love rolling a ball back and forth and playing peekaboo!

One of Jonathan's favorite pasttimes is choosing two toys to bang together.
It's pretty fun. You should try it. 

personality
Another thing I say in every post: this is one silly boy. He really likes when we do silly things, and it seems that he starts acting silly himself when he wants us to be silly back. He loves when we jump out of a doorway to scare him. Overall, he is still pretty patient and easy-going, but is also learning that he can yell real loud if he wants something to go his way. Distraction still works great when he's doing something he shouldn't. I have noticed a bit of stranger anxiety these past couple weeks, which I thought would maybe not ever come up for our people-loving boy. It has only been when we are in a store or something and it is really a stranger. Oh and we found out one thing that will consistently scare him: blowing your nose! Ha! I shouldn't laugh I know but it is really funny how our sweet, mostly-unphasable boy will erupt into heaving sobs if someone sniffs in a quiet room. Poor thing!

Jonathan loves playing with people's lips. Watch out if you come in our house: your lips will be targeted. We were relieved yesterday when he started to make these sounds using his own lips. Perhaps ours will get a break. 

mama time
It is really cool that Jonathan can interact and communicate with us more.  No longer does he just need 3 things (milk, sleep, poop) to make him happy. He is more complex now, and that brings a more complex side of parenting. This month I have loved that not only is he trying to communicate with me, but he also understands what we say. Remember in Mr. Holland's Opus when the mom throws a tantrum to the tune of "I can't tell him who I am. I can't tell him that I love him. I WANT TO TALK TO MY SON!" Well, I never really got it, but now I do. It means so much to see that he knows who I am. That he knows I love him. That I can tell him things and teach him things and he responds.

Just this morning, he wanted to grab his juice cup while he was drinking but I said, "No, you can't hold it while I let you drink it," and seriously he did not touch it again. When we were reading books after breakfast I said, "Wait," when he was wanting to turn the page ahead of time, and he waited. Then I said, "Turn the page," when it was time, and he turned the page. This.is.awesome.

Along with Jonathan understanding me more comes more responsibility. A good friend was sharing how she worries sometimes about how her own issues will affect her little girl. That reality is becoming more present to me. Being a mommy to Jonathan is making me, no forcing me, to be more authentic and honest, to know what I believe and the reasons for believing it, and to check my petty frustrations at the door. I don't want my kids to grow up with a mommy who is hypocritical, judgmental, impatient. I don't want my kids to think they should compare themselves to others because I have an issue with comparing. Shoot, I know I will always be a far cry from perfect, but I welcome these challenges as opportunities to see myself, see my stuff, and grow from it.

Once again, little man, I learn so much from YOU! You force me to cut the crap. You are not allowed to say crap. You free me up to be more me. I love you and I delight in you and I ENJOY your company. Daddy and I loved every minute of knowing you in my belly, and now we have known you even longer face-to-face! You light up our lives, little bundle-of-love. Happy 9-months-ish Birthday!

19 days of being a mommy

Let's take time for some reflections today... don't worry, pictures will still come later.

This is probably the first time in 19 days that I have been sitting quietly, by myself, baby sleeping, feeling awake enough to actually write a post, rather than just post pictures. Am I showered? No. Have I had enough to eat today? No. But those things are not requirements for sitting down and thinking through what these past few weeks have taught me.

Where do I even begin?

You may remember that heartfelt post I wrote several months ago (seems longer) about motherhood being a process of letting go. I thought through that concept a lot during pregnancy. It was a major part of my motherhood self-preparation. Personally, I am not naturally one who thrives off of letting go of anything. So I knew that it was important for my personal growth, and in order to be the best mommy to Baby Buck, to think through what letting go would mean as a mother.

I honestly think I did a pretty good job of thinking and praying through that idea. And as much as I could have prepared myself for motherhood and all the emotions that come along with it, again I would say I think I did pretty well.

Then Jonathan was born.

Whoa.

The whole letting go thing took on a whole new meaning, with each day bringing new dimensions and layers to the process. I have found it hard to let go of Jonathan in so many ways already: him sleeping in his nursery while I am in the living room, letting others hold him and bond with him. Lots of these tangible, physical ways that we have become two separate beings. But it is in the emotional sense that I have been surprised at my difficulty in letting go. During a cry session with Jon a while ago, I realized that I have this huge need for Jonathan to know that I love him. And if he is crying, it somehow means that he doesn't know that I love him, so I better go in there and make sure he knows it. Jon reassured me that he does know I love him. And that sometimes loving him will mean letting him cry. And that it is my need, not the need of my boy, that I am trying to fulfill when I have this insane need for him to feel my love. Talk about not letting the kid go. I was feeling a pull toward the opposite of letting go--constant smothering.

I was surprised by a few things about being a mom, but one thing in particular stands out. I thought that my "maternal instinct" would be a bit more obvious to me. I thought I would be much more in tune to what my baby needs. It turns out, I am in tune. But I was surprised how little I could trust that instinct when Jonathan was first born. I realized that my instinct had to be tailored to this person, who I had to get to know. I am getting to know him so well. I know most of his cries now. I know when he is tired and when he is hungry. I know he often takes a 6 minute post-milk nap when he is actually not quite finished with his feeding. I know what things he likes to do during his "play time." I know when he just needs some Daddy time. But these things took time for me to learn, and my instinct was honed as I took the time to learn them. It seems counterintuitive to describe an instinct as being learned--I mean isn't that the opposite of an instinct? But motherhood has taught me that this is true.

As that instinct has been developed, I have been better able to trust the letting go process. Since I know my boy better, I can trust that I am loving him the best I can even when it means doing something he doesn't like (eg. letting him cry it out like I am doing right now... yikes this is hard!!). I don't have this irrational need for him to know I love him because I am more secure in my mommy role and more confident in my love for him. I guess we mamas can only release our children to be themselves when we are confident of our own self, our own place in their lives and in the world. Yikes that sounds impossible--to be secure in who I am--but surprisingly motherhood is teaching me just that.

Little One

Little one, I am amazed at you. I have watched you all week and marveled at all the things you have learned. Do you know how much you have accomplished this week? You have learned to breathe. Your heart now sends its blood to your lungs. Your liver learned to process your bilirubin (finally! No more jaundice!). You learned what skin to skin touch feels like, and learned to love it. You learned that your mouth can produce sounds and you learned how to make those sounds. You learned that mommy and daddy's voices sound different outside the belly but you still managed to know them. You saw different colors and shapes for the first time and enjoy looking at them. You saw a face for the first time and somehow knew it was important to study. You learned to sleep while being still, and with other noises and lights around you. You learned to nurse. You now know what it feels like to stretch alllll the way out! You have not learned how to control your hiccups. You have learned to adapt--to uncomfortable positions, new people, mommy not having a clue how to feed you, the feeling of wet diapers. You are learning things you like and don't like. You have learned what pain feels like (did you already know that in my belly?). 


I think you knew this in my belly, but I think you have learned it more this week: you are so loved. You are safe. You are cared for. You are marvelous and a wonder to us. I will never in my whole life forget that first moment I saw you 1 week ago. I started shouting to the whole room "I love him! I love him so much!" I will shout it to the world forever. I love you! I love you so much! 


One week ago the only name I had for you was my little one. Such a personal and at the same time generic name. It was your name that came from my heart, especially for you, but came with so much that I did not know about you yet! Now I know my little one. It is you! Now I cannot think about being pregnant, cannot think about giving birth, without picturing you in my belly, you coming out of me. I cannot even remember what it was like to not know if you were a boy or a girl! You are so you. You are who we have been waiting for. My sweet little one. My sweet little Jonathan. 

This is you inside me 1 day before I went into labor... 2 days before you came out of me. It was you all along!!

Pictures of Jonathan's 1 week birthday to come later...

You know you are a first-time mommy when... (a series)

1. You are almost late to your own baby shower due to a sudden nesting urge that requires you to organize the following items (most of which are free samples from work): 2 cans of formula, assorted nipples and pacifiers, 5 pairs of socks, 2 onesies, 4 blankets, 2 stuffed animals.

2. You are completely torn between the decision to leave tags and packaging on the new baby items so that everything stays nice and new looking, or take off tags and packaging so it looks like a baby actually lives there.

3. Once you make the decision to remove the tags, you get so excited about doing a load of all the baby laundry, and then get tingly chills all over as you match up little baby socks, fold burp cloths into a nice neat pile, and get to organize all the clothes AGAIN into the changing table drawers.

This post could also be titled, "You know you are a NERDY mommy when..."

Feeling sentimental...

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. Lots of emotions going on these past few days. Last night I was sitting in the baby's room just being quiet, thinking about how crazy it is that in a few weeks time, this baby will be falling asleep in his or her crib. OUTSIDE of me. It's not so much crazy to think about the process of this baby coming out of me (ie labor) but more revelatory that this nice state of being that the baby and I have both come to know will completely change in only a few weeks.

I have been told, and have had thoughts of my own, that mothering is a long process of letting go. I especially know this will be true for me, and important to keep in mind as I journey through the land of motherhood. Last summer Jon and I learned about ourselves through a tool called the Enneagram (maybe some of you have heard of it). I am a "2" or "the Helper" and often this plays out in my need to be needed. Being a mother could be the perfect situation for a 2. I get to bring someone else into the world who utterly and completely needs me.  But it became very apparent to me last summer in the midst of learning this side of me, that I can best mother my children by letting them go, encouraging their un-need of me--which completely goes against every natural inclination I would have. So this process of letting go will start at delivery. (probably it's already starting now with framing my mind in this way). This baby will leave my body, enter the world, and his or her need for me will change. I will still be needed to nourish this little one, but then we will start solid foods. I will still be needed to carry the baby around, but then baby will learn to crawl. Everything this baby learns will be through Jon and I, but then the baby will go to school. I will still be the go-to for comfort, but then the baby will make friends...

Please don't get me wrong and think that I will be constantly trying to separate myself from the baby in order to avoid cultivating my need to be needed! Of course that is not the case. I am just thinking through this process of letting go, and it seems this is the reality of being a mom.

I get teary just thinking about that first night that the baby will sleep in the bassinet beside me, or the first time someone else holds him or her. I wonder if I will feel like a piece of me is missing?! But then I think about Jon holding his son or daughter and I can absolutely not wait. I think about watching this baby learn and grow and become who he or she is meant to be, and I get chills all over with excitment and pride. I love you little Baby Buck. Thanks for teaching mommy all these lessons already. I am excited to get to see who you are and who you will become, and I bet you didn't know that in that process you make me more who I will become!

You always think of your mom having it all together, not being "in process" on her own. (Hi mom :)) It's good for me to see this side of things. I'm a mom. I don't have it all together. I'm still learning.