jonathan's birth story, part 2

Welcome back for round two of long labor story. You can read part 1 to catch up if you want...

There were times throughout labor that I would get a fleeting thought of What if this doesn't work? What if he won't come out? What if I have to transfer to the hospital? And then things would smooth out and I would forget those thoughts. But then seeing the midwife starting to get concerned really made me wonder what was going to happen. Finally, she actually suggested that we transfer. She was pretty sure his head wasn't going to turn, and since my contractions were slowing down, she wondered if maybe some Pitocin would ramp things back up and hopefully force him into the right position. 

I remember feeling so defeated. So helpless. A transfer? That's not what we had planned for. Going to the hospital? How much is that going to cost? How long will we have to stay there? Will they care for us how the birthing center cared for us? We didn't even have anything packed - at the birthing center you go home a few hours after the baby is born. Really, we have to go the hospital? 

At this point, it was about 4 or 5 in the afternoon, around 20 hours of active labor. All that work. For nothing? I felt so confused. So sad. So angry. 

When we got to the hospital, the plan was to administer Pitocin, start an epidural, and give the meds a few hours to see if anything changed. Then we would try pushing again to see if Jonathan had turned at all. When the new doctor came in, he basically recommended a c-section right away. We were like, Oh no you don't understand. We are not here for a c-section. We are just here for some help in getting over this bump, and then we will have a regular birth. No c-section for us, thank you. We are birthing center people. We don't do surgeries. 

So a few hours passed, and then I tried pushing again for another 30 minutes or so. Nothing. Still stuck. The doctor came back in and again recommended a c-section. It looked like that was going to be our only option. We resigned ourselves to this fact, and the preparations for surgery got under way.

Jonathan was born at 8:17pm on Monday, May 30 - Memorial Day - via c-section. I was a bit reassured of our need for the surgery when the doctor said something along the lines of Here he is! - wait - move his head around that way - no, turn it the other way - ok now pull him out - Now here he is! Turns out he was indeed posterior, and also somehow crooked, so that his forehead was jutting up against my pelvic bone and couldn't get past. 

First family photo. All looking our best.

He cried vigorously right away and was perfectly healthy. Jon announced to the whole operating room It's a boy! I was so proud of my boy for hanging in there during that long and hard labor. All throughout, whenever they checked his heartbeat, he was perfect, just hanging out wondering when we would realize he was stuck. Just like his disposition a year later, he started out life acting pretty chill. Meeting Jonathan face to face for the first time was exhilarating. Even after all that we had just gone through, love immediately welled up in me from places I didn't know I had. After he was born, I was shaking and sobbing and shouting I love him! I love him so much which you can hear in the background of the video of Jonathan's first moments. 

Once we got home, Jon and I admittedly had a hard time coming to terms with our birth story. We knew that birth never goes "according to plan," but we definitely were not prepared for such a drastic detour in ours. If we were honest, we kind of realized that we had been natural birthing snobs, looking down on procedures like c-sections when they are utilized for the wrong reasons. Even though ours was for the "right" reasons, it was still hard to accept that it was the right thing to do. I was embarrassed. We racked our brains in the weeks after, trying to figure out "what went wrong." We were mad at God - where the heck were You? Why didn't You warn us about this? Couldn't you have changed things up a bit? 

As I relayed our story to a friend, she asked me something along the lines of Why does it matter how it happened as long as the baby is healthy? Isn't the outcome the same either way, and isn't that the important thing? The simple answer is, of course, Yes, what matters is having a healthy baby (and healthy mom). The more complicated answer, though, is that a birth changes you. It is a rite of passage in the most complete sense of the phrase. After a birth, a mom is never the same. Not just because now she has a baby to care for, but because whatever the process, whatever the experience, this was the time that you faced your most vulnerable, raw, foundational place. Birthing is what we were made to do. Our bodies were built for it. Going through a labor means turning inwards and standing eye to eye with your most essential self, and emerging on the other side means your eyes have been opened to parts of you that you never knew were there. This happens, I think, whether you have a labor that is long or short, natural or medicated, unexpected or routine. Whether you pop into the hospital to be induced and then sit for eight hours connected to wires and don't feel a thing, or you labor for three days working hard through every contraction your body produces, every woman has a story. Her birth story. And it is a story that changes each and every one of us. For better or for worse - which hard for me to say, but I really think that it's true. Some women are scarred by their birth stories, while others are transformed, themselves being "birthed" into newness along with their baby. 

Processing my birth story has been as essential as going through the actual process itself. Jon and I found that we each had to ask different questions and needed different answers. I needed to know that I hadn't let him down. That I hadn't let anyone down. That I was a good mom and had what my baby needed. That my body is made for this and that I didn't do anything wrong. That requiring medical intervention during birth did not mean I was a failure (or worse; post-birthing hormones can tell you all kinds of elaborate lies). 

At our six-week follow-up, back at the birthing center, Jon and I both got some much needed closure and assurance. Sarah, our midwife, confided that she knew we would have to have a c-section when she first brought up the idea of transferring. She also knew, though, that Jon and I were not yet at the point of accepting that, so she framed the transfer in light of getting some rest, using Pitocin, and trying to push again. She said in all her years of midwife-ing, all the labors that looked like mine had resulted in a c-section. She said that she knew I wasn't too tired, that I actually had a lot of steam left in me, and that my being able to do it or not wasn't a factor in her decision. I needed to hear that. I didn't feel too tired at the time of the transfer. I did feel like I could keep going. But Sarah knew best, and knew that it wasn't going to happen the way we were trying to make it happen. It was good for Jon to hear from her that we needed a c-section; even six weeks later he was still trying to figure out what could have been done differently, and he needed someone to lay his mind to rest. I did, too. 

I was also asked, by another friend, if I would have done anything differently throughout the whole pregnancy leading up to the labor. Like, would I still use the birthing center, would I have gotten any other interventions like more ultrasounds, etc. The answer was easy for me: No, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I loved being pregnant, and I think that our prenatal care experience at the birthing center had a lot to do with that. I am comfortable now with the very real probability that nothing we could have done would have changed our outcome of a c-section, and so, I wouldn't have changed a thing. 

So what's next for the future Buck babies? Since I had a c-section, my next labor will be considered higher risk because of the chance for uterine rupture, so I can't have my babies at the birthing center. We found a group of midwives, though, that treats pregnancy and birth in a very natural way, but they deliver babies at a hospital. This group has a very high VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) rate, and are huge proponents of women having VBACs. We aren't thrilled about the hospital part, but we realize that being higher risk means I need to have quick access to interventions if anything goes wrong. We still hope to have a natural birth. I freakin hated that epidural - it made me come out of my laborland zone and get all emotional and I hated having to sit still in one position while my body continued the work of labor unbeknownst to me - so I hope that I don't need one of those again. This hospital offers birthing tubs and water births and wireless monitors - yipeee! - so we are thankful that there is a good alternative to our beloved birthing center. 

Alright so that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Hope it was an enjoyable read for you, if you managed to make it all this way. Don't we women just LOVE a good birthing story? I know I do. 

For your reading pleasure, you may want to look back at this post I wrote about labor. Or rather, my thoughts about labor. I hadn't actually experienced it yet, but I think I had some good things to say. Oh how much I've learned since then, though! 

jonathan's birth story, part 1

Nothing like the approaching first birthday of your son to make you feel like you have lots to write about and zero time to do it. I can't believe this is the first time I am sitting down to blog in a week!

I'd been wanting to write out our birth story and I have sure been thinking about it a lot lately. So here ya go. I'll do this in two parts because it ended up being quite lengthy and who doesn't love a little dose of suspense?

I had a pretty strong feeling Jonathan would be arriving before his due date. I had a pretty strong feeling he would be here on Memorial Day, actually. I was right on both counts. And while we are talking about me being right, let me mention that I also knew he was a boy (we didn't find out the gender during pregnancy). I assumed he wouldn't be cute - I don't know why - but thankfully I was wrong there.

At my 37 week appointment, I had dilated one centimeter, much to my skeptical midwife's surprise. Then another centimeter by 38 weeks, and at 39 weeks, I was up to three. I was contracting like crazy (I guess I'm just a major contractor - I had started having Braxton-Hicks since about 20 weeks) and thought I was in labor a couple times up to this point, so I was always relieved to know at my checkups that something was actually going on. At the 39 week appointment, the midwife swept the membranes to move things along, and we figured we would be back to see her within a day or two once labor started.

A little background: Jon and I chose to use a free-standing birthing center for our care. I don't like hospitals and I don't really like medicines used for pregnancy and labor. We both feel that pregnancy and labor and birth are natural and normal things and like the idea of a less medicine-oriented approach to care. We are hippies if hippie means going to a birthing center. Yes, we also use cloth diapers. And, yes, I breastfeed. But also, yes, I am a huge advocate for vaccines, and yes, I am a practitioner of western medicine. You can decide if we are bona-fide hippies based on all of this information.

We loved the birthing center and the midwives. I am so happy that we went that route. It was a perfect fit for us.

Ok. So early labor started 48 hours - almost on the dot - after the midwife swept my membranes. That was Sunday, when I was 39 weeks and 2 days. By about 9pm, active labor was in full swing. I labored at home for a long time, getting in and out of the tub, leaning on the backs of chairs, riding the contractions and feeling pretty good. I actually loved it. And that is not just post-baby amnesia. I actually remember thinking during labor that I really love this. Not that it didn't hurt, not that it wasn't hard work, but for some reason I was just so happy and excited.

Jon had been talking back and forth with the midwife, updating her on our progress. Around 1 or 2am, she wanted us to come on into the birthing center because my contractions were really close. I didn't want to go. I was feeling so good at home - (someday I want to have a home birth!) - but since she knew I dilated fast up to this point, she was pretty insistent that we head over there.

When we arrived, we found out I was 7cm. Yay! I was entering transition and still happy as a horse. I got into the birthing tub right away. Oh how I loved that tub. Ladies who are reading this: if your birth place has a tub, get.in.it. The contractions were intense at this point for sure, and I was having a LOT of back labor this whole time. Jon and my mom told me later that they had to contort themselves into all kinds of awkward positions in order to reach my back to put pressure on it while I was in the tub. During the contractions I HAD to have someone push on my back.

I had no concept of time throughout labor, until they told me that I needed my second dose of antibiotics (I was group B strep positive). When I had arrived and they gave me my first dose, they joked that I probably wouldn't need a second because things were progressing so rapidly. When they made me get out of the tub to administer my second dose, I clued into the fact that things were taking longer than everyone had anticipated.

At some point they checked me again and I was 9.5cm. There was one small lip of cervix left. The midwife had me out of the tub and on the birthing stool so she could try to move that lip of cervix back as I pushed during contractions. During this time, the midwife also broke my water (it hadn't broken yet--which I think was a major factor in how good I felt up to this point!). In the process of all her manipulating and my pushing, my cervix got really swollen, and Jonathan's head actually moved further back up rather than down, and so I was no longer almost 10cm.

I was pissed. When the midwife realized what was happening and told me to get off the stool so I could rest for a little while, I was like What the hell??!? Rest?!!? I just went through the most awful pain of my life and you want me to REST??!!!? Was that all for nothing?!!??? (The process of her manipulating my cervix while I pushed was seriously the most intense pain I have ever had; I remember thinking through that time that I'm not sure if I can do this.)

So I rested. Whatever that actually means when you are in labor. The contractions actually did slow down a little. Later on they checked me and my swelling had subsided, but now I wasn't 9cm anymore, so I had to dilate again. They were giving me some herbal thing to make my contractions stronger, and oh boy it worked. Yikes. Those contractions were crazy.

Once I got to 10cm again, the midwife was having me push during contractions while she was trying to move Jonathan's head so that he could fit better. It was at this point that she started to suspect that he might be posterior (face up). At all my check-ups he was in perfect anterior position, but with my back labor and halted progress, she figured maybe he had turned at some point. Great. So now his head was stuck and wasn't able to descend into the birth canal. I was pushing with all my might, and she was doing everything she could to turn him. If I thought earlier that I had experienced the worst pain of my life, that was nothing compared to now. But it was crazy that I didn't care. I wanted to push through the pain. I wanted this baby out. I was totally in the zone, totally in labor land, and everything in me was working for a single purpose.

---I'll stop there for now, but stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow! :)---

38 weeks...

This may be one of those posts that is more for me to read back over later. I feel like a lot happened today that I don't want to forget, but will surely forget. Especially on baby #4 or something... I know that this time may become a blur!

38 week appointment today. Jon couldn't go because he had class, but I was in a much better emotional state than the last time he couldn't go (remember that 20 week visit...?). I met a new midwife today. She is the owner of the birthing center and had taken a few months to take on a more administrative role, and is now back to attending births. I was a little nervous about meeting someone new this late in the game. I have loved the other 4 midwives and felt quite content thinking about one of them attending our birth. Needless to say, this midwife today was AWESOME. She made me feel so cared for, cared about, valued. Wow. I want to treat patients like she treated me today. She had time for me. She asked me questions no one had asked before (Do you have support for after the birth? Do any other couples you know have kids? How are you feeling about breastfeeding?). She never made me feel like my questions or concerns were silly. I actually thought I didn't have any questions but she answered ones I didn't even know I had in my mind! What a wonderful visit and another boost of reassurance and confidence about delivering at this birth center.

Baby is still doing great. She thinks I have a small to average size baby, and very well proportioned to my frame. She said the head is a good size, not too big--I thought, This lady really knows what to say to a first-timer!! ha!

(ok this is all the stuff that might be more for me to remember later, but feel free to read on!)
She checked me again, and I didn't feel high maintenence like I did last time when the midwife checked me. This time she was actually suggesting that we check so that I can continue to know what my body is doing. So, I will fill you in. Last time I was 1 cm, 50% effaced, and about -2 station (I don't remember what those stations mean exactly, but they move toward positive as the baby gets lower). Today I am 2 cm, 50% effaced, and a -1 or 0 station. She could actually feel the baby's head, and said that my cervix has done the preliminary work of facing forward rather than slightly tilted back like it is during most of pregnancy. It is so good for me to know that. To know that my body is getting this process started, and that I am feeling this process happening. So thankful that my body is doing this early stuff gradually...

I feel ready to have a baby. I want to have a baby. Jon has one more day of this class that he can't miss, and then I think my mind will release my body to do whatever it needs to do. Not that I will definitely have a baby this weekend, or even next week. But I can definitely feel a shift internally--I was "ready" before, but I think still holding out from releasing this baby since I knew Jon had this class. Now I feel more in the releasing mode.

Sure there are still "things" holding me back. I don't feel like I've practiced enough pain coping techniques. I haven't made my perfect labor music mix. I've just ordered our registry completion today and the stuff won't get here until next week. I am supposed to work next week. The damn carseat is not in the car. Our bag is not packed. I feel like I haven't gotten to spend much time with Jon this week. I haven't stretched or rested enough... do you catch my drift? But I feel like I am releasing all those things too.

So, I'm going to do a load of baby laundry. Then we are going to a friend's house for dinner and The Office finale. Then tomorrow I will probably get up and go to work. Then this weekend I will rest and spend time with Jon. And we will see...

Car seat is going in the car TOMORROW!

37 weeks

That's right ladies and gentleman, this baby is fully cooked!

Reaching the full-term mark really does come with a sigh of relief for both Jon and I (and maybe for baby??). Now baby can come at any time. I don't have to get nervous if I have several contractions in a row. I'm trying to get lots of rest in preparation for labor (this weekend doesn't count with all the graduation festivities...). There's really not much else to do... oh except get the carseat in the car. Oh and pack our bag.

Our visit in Friday went just fine. The midwives don't routinely check your cervix like most OBGYNs do starting at 36 weeks. They emphasize how a cervical check really only tells you about the present and the past, and very little about the future, and don't want themselves or the mamas to get hung up about a single check. I think this is a good idea. But I still had my midwife check me because I wanted to know if my body was doing what I thought it was doing these past couple weeks. I'm not gonna tell you what she said because I don't want YOU (Mom) to get hung up on it :) I feel like we've got a few more weeks left... but we never know!

Some thoughts on labor

I've had another reflective week. I'm thankful I've had time to sit, listen, learn. I'm re-reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. One of my favs. Goodness that woman will make you want to give birth right here right now, pregnant or not!

She talks about pain in ways that are quite useful to a pregnant woman anticipating entering labor. How pain in childbirth is not the same kind of pain as anything else. We cut our finger while chopping veggies, and the pain signals our brain to put down the knife, stop the bleeding. There is nothing productive about that pain other than to signal us to step away from the painful stimulus. But in labor it's different. The pain signal isn't for the purpose of telling us to run away. It's producing something. Changing our bodies to complete a process. In labor, it's the act of giving in to the pain, rather than fleeing from the pain, that makes all the difference.

...Sidenote: this is all of course an abstract concept in my mind. I have no idea what labor is like. But you knew that already...

I've been drawing some parallels between labor and life. Earlier this week I had a soul-stirring chat with a good friend about vulnerability. How vulnerability means being who you are, not who you want to be or think you need to be. How it means facing the struggles, not running to escape them. How it means allowing others to see you where you're at, not producing a facade just to make them comfortable. I think it means giving in to the situation, not trying to manipulate it in any way. I want to do that in labor. I want to give in to it. Accept what my body needs to do. I think it will be the ultimate act of vulnerability. I told God that I expect to meet him there.

During this conversation with my friend, we talked about the numbing process - how, to escape the hard stuff in life, we so often numb ourselves to it. And realizing that we cannot selectively numb: if we are seeking to numb the bad, inevitably we numb the good. I asked her why she thinks this is the case, and she humbly yet profoundly answered that it seems that is God's design. That's what Jesus's deal seems to be: the ultimate sacrifice producing the ultimate gift and invitation of love. Ohhh.... I thought. Yeah.... That makes sense. In a not-able-to-comprehend-it kind of way. God modeled for us the necessity of being vulnerable - giving in to the struggle to allow ourselves to be brought to the other side.

Ina May talks about the natural cycle of hormones that play out during labor. And how, when that cycle is allowed to happen without manipulation, it ends in an almost euphoric state of pleasure, satisfaction, love. The bonding hormone (oxytocin) makes a huge surge once the baby is born to complete that complex labor hormone cycle. But the only way to get there is to walk through the stuff leading up to it.  It makes sense that when we numb the bad (pain) we also numb the good (oxytocin). I want that oxytocin. I want it bad!

Now, I know I will not remember that I want it when I am at 7 cm and entering transition. Jon and Mom, you can try to remind me if you like. If I tell you to go to hell, I'm sorry in advance.

Working with kids while being pregnant

I have a really fun job. Taking care of kids all day just suits me so well. I get to play with the babies, tell parents how awesome they are doing in those first few months, make sick kids better, counsel teenagers on life and tough choices. It is a complete package for me.

These past few weeks as the belly has been rather, well, huge, it has been amusing getting reactions from my patients. It has happened several times that I will I walk out of the exam room to get something and come back in the middle of a whisper-fest between patient and parent: "I think Miss Lea is pregnant." "Is that girl pregnant?" "What is in her belly?" "Her belly is really big!" Then we get to talk about my belly, the baby inside, sometimes the kids feel the belly and tell me if they think it's a boy or a girl. One kid (a very cute 5 year old boy) even offered help with names--Lucas if it's a boy, and Sonya if it's a girl (his mom just stared at him in surprise and asked him where he had even heard of these names before--his name was James by the way).

Well this week, I had another memorable patient. In the middle of our visit, he loudly and openly pointed to my belly and asked his mom "What's she got in there?" We laughed, and I explained (I wonder how many doors I am opening up for conversations after they leave my office... "How did that baby get in Miss Lea's belly??"... ). Minutes later, when the belly/baby convo had clearly ended, he blurts out again "Does she have a ball in there?" Again, laughter, and I explained that actually my belly is the size of a basketball.

So, since I am all about educating my patients, I told him to go home a shove a basketball up his shirt and try to bend over to pick up something off the floor. Then try to sit on the couch and watch TV. Then try to go to sleep in your bed. His eyes kept getting wider as his mom kept laughing. She said knowing him, he probably will really try it. I hope he did.

Another satisfied customer. Another life changed. All in a day's work.

Nesting

For any of you who have been reading this blog since its beginning, you know I have been nesting for the past 8 months. Honestly, pregnancy has been one of the most productive times in my life! To-do lists actually have checks on them. And, better yet, I really felt like I had been taking everything in stride--not getting stressed about getting things done, being realistic about what is necessary/worth the money, etc.

Well.

I had my first nesting insanity/breakdown on Thursday night. Remember on our last post I mentioned that we established a nice easy breakdown of the must-do vs. the nice-to-do lists? That concept kept my mind at east for almost a whole week, and then BAM! Hormones criss-crossed and banged into each other and suddenly I was in a frenzied emotional sobbing state.

It happened after we got home from our 36 week appt (Where we learned baby is still in excellent position and that these weird pains I'd been having are probably cervical changes...yikes!). We had gotten our bassinet in the mail (more on that later--this bassinet is very special to me!) and that meant we could rearrange our bedroom to accommodate the bassinet. Well, we rearranged. Jon was cutely trying to suggest ways to rearrange or ask what I wanted, but dear hubby don't you know I have been thinking about this for the past 6 months? So we set up the room as I had envisioned, only it didn't look like I envisioned. So I did what any other 8 month pregnant woman would do--I laid on the bed and cried. My sweet Jon laid there with me, rubbing my back and trying to determine what exactly was wrong (of course he knows me enough by now to know there is never one exact wrong thing). So after blubbering for a while about how the room looks so different, so much change is happening, our life is going to be so different, etc., I declared that what was really wrong was that the guest room and the sunroom were not ready for the baby.

Sweet hubby's eyes got big for a moment (when I'm sure all the schoolwork he needed to get done that evening flashed in his mind as he realized that wasn't gonna happen) and then got into action mode as I continued to lay in a lump on the bed.

So, once I gathered myself, we moved all our bookshelves into the sunroom to create a cozy library effect. Jon broke down all the cardboard boxes that had taken over the sunroom. He even moved his piles of school stuff out of the guest room so that I could get in there and clean a little better.

Somewhere in the midst of this unplanned house-rearranging he asked "Is this what they were talking about?" As in, in labor class we learned that some mothers have sudden, irrational nesting needs soon before the baby comes. I'm not sure if this was my official off-the-wall nesting escapade. I think things could get a lot worse. All I know is, this baby is coming soon! Can't wait!

Oh, and the top 3 things that MUST get done haven't quite gotten done yet. But we have a plan for doing them: we are going to do them this week. That is our plan. My wonderful Aunt Linda offered to pay for a diaper cleaning service for 3 months after Baby B arrives so this week we are looking into options for that. Thanks Aunt Linda!!

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas and mamas-to-be. Our moms are so special to us and I surely feel closer to them during this time of becoming a mom. Love you both Mom and Betsy!!!

35 weeks... Bellies and Bums

...

We are having a baby soon. I think I am almost ready to be done being pregnant. I still love it most of the time, love having this little baby bundled up inside me. But more often these past several days I think... This will be over soon, and I am good with that. Usually that thought happens when I am out of breath from simply having a conversation, getting jabbed in the ribs repeatedly by teeny feet, feeling utterly exhausted physically and mentally, or am on my 3rd or 4th attempt to get up out of the bed in the morning (really--it takes a lot of skill and planning to do that!).

Jon and I had a conversation last night about what are the top 3 things that need to happen before the baby gets here, and what things we would like to happen before baby. It was nice to get that perspective. There are lots of things on the would like to list--finishing some sewing/decorating projects, completing our registry purchases, Jon graduating (ha!), spending more quality time just the 2 of us, getting life insurance, setting up the guest room, etc. The essentials list seems pretty manageable compared to that list: 1. Get the car seat in the car  2. Make sure we have enough clothes for baby once we arrive home and 3. Buy diapers.

Which leads me to... our decision to cloth diaper. Yikes you are thinking. These hippie birthing center people really are crazy! It has been a long (7 month?) decision process of deciding about diapering. Most people trying to talk us out of it talk about the gross factor, and sometimes the inconvenience factor. My thoughts in general about diapers are as follows: disposable diapers = gross. Cloth diapers = gross. I see a lot of nasty diapers on a daily basis, and those disposable ones don't make things any less so. The way I see it, becoming a parent means you will see a lot of poop, smell a lot of poop, touch a lot of poop. The diaper doesn't really seem to make a difference. I see blow outs up baby's backs with disposables, and at least with cloth you can get the really fancy kind that hold everything in the diaper, or get the cheapies and fold them just right to hold in the blow outs. And the smell factor is something that can be controlled if you just get a good wet bag to hold the diapers in until you wash them... or so the cloth diapering advocates claim...

My biggest concern is the convenience factor, which I think will be doable. Especially when compared to buying enormous boxes of diapers every few weeks (to put in perspective, I dread the shopping day when I have to restock on toilet paper, garbage bags, cleaning supplies, etc... I hate having those big things in my cart that drive up my weekly grocery cost and then I have to lug them to the car and then into my house... hey we all have our peeves). It seems that these days cloth diapering is not what it used to be. There are lots of ways now that makes things a little easier, and while never quite overcoming the gross factor, the benefits seem to outweigh the cons to us. Especially when thinking about cost and environmental impact. Not to mention they are better for Baby Buck's little behind.

So we need to buy some diapers. We will of course buy a huge box of disposable Newborn diapers for at first (meconium permanently stains cloth). And Mom has already stocked us with a few packages of size 1 to have on hand for later. We will definitely be using those whenever we travel, and to stick in the diaper bag just in case.

One of the things I love about blogging is that there is this permanent, public document of our lives at this time. I think often about our babies growing up and being able to read these posts. I especially love thinking of Baby B reading this one ha!... Little one, you don't even know all the decisions we are thinking through to prepare for your arrival! Hopefully you will thank us later for protecting that little bum of yours! We LOVE you and can't wait to see your sweet little face and cute little booty :)

Baby Shower

This weekend my dear friend Lauren and sis-in-law Susan hosted a wonderful baby shower for me and Baby B! It was great to spend time with a couple of close friends talking baby stuff, eating good food, and celebrating this little one. I felt so loved and supported by these women and so thankful for their generosity! It was a good day. Here it is in pictures...

Yum! Chocolate fountain, delicious and beautiful yellow and gray cake made by Susan, and adorable cupcakes by my cupcake-extraordinaire friend Martine.

The lovely hostesses Susan and Lauren

    

Baby Pic of Jon
(Sorry I cannot figure out how to center this darn picture!)

Baby pic of me. I never thought I'd say Jon and I look alike, but I think in these 2 baby pictures we do!

The yellow book is an awesome gift from my friend Taylor who couldn't be there for the shower. It has pages where the guests could write prayers for Jon, Baby, and I, and also all of my belly pictures in order! Thank you so much Taylor!

Everyone enjoying the yummies

I loved that Lauren hung lanterns in the kitchen! She didn't even know that I was going to hang lanterns in the baby's room that weekend!

 

Still enjoying the food. My friend Monique brought her daughter Dakota who was so much fun.

Susan telling everyong "Calm down, I can make more dip if we run out."

Yum.

Who's that big ole girl stuffing her face? Oh it's me!

Aunt Soupy, Baby B, and Mommy

Playing a game

Yikes is my belly really that big!?
The lovely yellow flower pin was provided again by Taylor. I loved that thing and will probably wear it all the time. Taylor your presence was definitely felt at the shower! We missed you!!!!

Thinking of funny answers during the game

Baby Dakota trying to escape the circle!

Close up of that awesome cake

Trying to feel some movement. Poor Julie never gets to feel it because Baby Buck is stubborn and every time she ever puts her hands on my belly all movement ceases. I think it's because Aunt Julie has a very calming presence and baby is soothed to sleep by her touch.

Come on Baby B, show off for your guests while Mommy looks through Taylor's book.

The 2 preggies, in our post-feast state.

Lauren my love

Close up of awesome flower.
Notice I wore my rings for the special occasion. It took me 2 days to get them off afterwards.

Hostesses and mommy! Thank you girls so much!!!

You know you are a first-time mommy when... (a series)

1. You are almost late to your own baby shower due to a sudden nesting urge that requires you to organize the following items (most of which are free samples from work): 2 cans of formula, assorted nipples and pacifiers, 5 pairs of socks, 2 onesies, 4 blankets, 2 stuffed animals.

2. You are completely torn between the decision to leave tags and packaging on the new baby items so that everything stays nice and new looking, or take off tags and packaging so it looks like a baby actually lives there.

3. Once you make the decision to remove the tags, you get so excited about doing a load of all the baby laundry, and then get tingly chills all over as you match up little baby socks, fold burp cloths into a nice neat pile, and get to organize all the clothes AGAIN into the changing table drawers.

This post could also be titled, "You know you are a NERDY mommy when..."

Feeling sentimental...

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. Lots of emotions going on these past few days. Last night I was sitting in the baby's room just being quiet, thinking about how crazy it is that in a few weeks time, this baby will be falling asleep in his or her crib. OUTSIDE of me. It's not so much crazy to think about the process of this baby coming out of me (ie labor) but more revelatory that this nice state of being that the baby and I have both come to know will completely change in only a few weeks.

I have been told, and have had thoughts of my own, that mothering is a long process of letting go. I especially know this will be true for me, and important to keep in mind as I journey through the land of motherhood. Last summer Jon and I learned about ourselves through a tool called the Enneagram (maybe some of you have heard of it). I am a "2" or "the Helper" and often this plays out in my need to be needed. Being a mother could be the perfect situation for a 2. I get to bring someone else into the world who utterly and completely needs me.  But it became very apparent to me last summer in the midst of learning this side of me, that I can best mother my children by letting them go, encouraging their un-need of me--which completely goes against every natural inclination I would have. So this process of letting go will start at delivery. (probably it's already starting now with framing my mind in this way). This baby will leave my body, enter the world, and his or her need for me will change. I will still be needed to nourish this little one, but then we will start solid foods. I will still be needed to carry the baby around, but then baby will learn to crawl. Everything this baby learns will be through Jon and I, but then the baby will go to school. I will still be the go-to for comfort, but then the baby will make friends...

Please don't get me wrong and think that I will be constantly trying to separate myself from the baby in order to avoid cultivating my need to be needed! Of course that is not the case. I am just thinking through this process of letting go, and it seems this is the reality of being a mom.

I get teary just thinking about that first night that the baby will sleep in the bassinet beside me, or the first time someone else holds him or her. I wonder if I will feel like a piece of me is missing?! But then I think about Jon holding his son or daughter and I can absolutely not wait. I think about watching this baby learn and grow and become who he or she is meant to be, and I get chills all over with excitment and pride. I love you little Baby Buck. Thanks for teaching mommy all these lessons already. I am excited to get to see who you are and who you will become, and I bet you didn't know that in that process you make me more who I will become!

You always think of your mom having it all together, not being "in process" on her own. (Hi mom :)) It's good for me to see this side of things. I'm a mom. I don't have it all together. I'm still learning.

33 weeks

I kind of think my belly looks the same size as it did at 31 weeks. But I promise it is bigger. I think my face is fatter in this picture, and if you could see my hands and feet you could tell they are swollen--so I guess those are the differences between 31 and 33 weeks. Whooppee.

Something interesting has happened these past few weeks. It seems like every day that gets closer and closer to the due date, the reality of a baby gets farther and farther away. I think it's because I am getting used to being pregnant. I'm used to this big belly--it just kind of looks normal to me now. I'm used to feeling little hands and feet squirming all over my insides. I'm used to having to be very creative with my clothes. I'm used to being out of breath. I'm used to peeing every 15 minutes. I need to keep reminding myself that this is NOT my normal state but that in fact this state will change very soon into what will be my NEW normal state--with this baby on the outside of me!

I'm so used to this belly that sometimes I forget it is huge and laying in bed at night I have to reach down and make sure it is still huge.

Definitely the new things that I'm not used to are the hand and feet swelling--minimal but I can notice it. And more BH contractions--they have really picked up these past few days.

Pretty soon I will get my May work schedule and it will be my last schedule for a while yippeeee!!!!! SO looking forward to maternity leave and it is just 7 short weeks away (or perhaps 4 or 5 depending on when this baby wants to arrive)

32 weeks

No belly picture to show you today, just an update about our appointment yesterday. It was a fun one! We are loving this stage of pregnancy and really had no concerns, so we just got to hear the heartbeat and feel the baby a little. The midwife showed us how to feel the head (baby is head down position---so thankful for that!) and showed us how to tell where the butt and back are. We loved being able to feel those body parts and just get to know this little one better.

We have 1 more birthing class next monday. We have really been enjoying these classes and learning a lot from them. Next week we will actually go up to the birthing center to try some relaxation techniques and get to know all the equipment/tools/props they have available during labor. Should be fun!

I'm also happy to report that our little bundle is now a whole 4 pounds and 17 inches long. That is just so big to me but the baby will potentially double in size in the next 8 weeks! I loved reading about what baby is "doing" just chilling out inside me: "He's busy blinking, looking around, grabbing things, making faces, practicing his breathing, peeing and listening to everything around him." I also am pretty sure that in these last few weeks I have felt baby having hiccup spells. I thought hiccups would feel very distinct and obvious, but it took me a little while to figure out that's what they were. I thought that our baby just had a superb sense of rhythm... but I think hiccups are the more likely option.

Happy weekend!

31 weeks

I mean for real.

This belly is huge.

I don't all the way realize it until I look at a picture like this...

Today I wore my first maternity shirt to work (not the shirt in the picture--these are my post-work-about-to-take-a-walk clothes). I felt very maternity-ish. It was the classic flowy bottom and ties around the middle. I hadn't bought actual maternity clothes yet and was hoping I could just make it these last few weeks... but then a co-worker brought in her old maternity shirts for me so now I have some clothes that will fit over my belly! Woohoo!

Baby B is now 3.5 pounds and 16 inches long!

Exciting news is that I think Baby B is starting to be in a head-down position more and more. I can tell because I can feel hand fluttering down by the bladder and kicks up higher. The other day I was on the phone with Kate and the little bugger kicked me so hard in the liver that I shouted out! That could be another year of no video games if you don't watch yourself, little one...

Tonight is a chill night. Frozen pizza. Jon's doing some chess something. I'm hoping to finish a really awesome book called Birthing From Within. You should read it. If you are pregnant. Or if you aren't.

Have a good weekend folks! Hope your weather is as lovely as ours!!!

It's beginning to look a lot like...

A Nursery!!!!

Yesterday we had the chance to do some fun nursery odds and ends and ended up putting together the crib, hanging the curtains, buying a cute lamp, and arranging some of the furniture how we think it might go once the room is finished. And we cleaned up about half of the construction site mess so it looks more like a room in general. It looks SO great!!! I get giddy every time I go in (and I walk in there frequently!). Even Jon had a little taste of the giddiness. I wanted to wait until the nursery was all the way done to post pictures but maybe when I get home from work this evening I will post one or 2 to give you a little taste :) MAYBE

Jon competed in the Colorado Chess Championships this weekend and it was a great tournament. I don't know if he will post about it or not but I will leave it at that in case he wants to give you details. We might travel up to Wyoming for a long weekend this summer so he can compete in a regional tournament and Baby B can go to his/her first tournament outside the womb.

Last night was class #2 of our birthing class series. We first had to fill out a "belly map" to see if we can tell where our baby is positioned. I cannot tell. This child moves ALL OVER. We also covered the phases of early labor. A little overwhelming I admit but it is good to be informed. I am trusting that Jon and my mom will be the ones in charge of "knowing" what is happening and I can just focus on relaxing and concentrating on the contractions! Jon is going to be so great through all of this I can already tell.

Other exciting news of the weekend:
-We are getting an IKEA in Denver! Coming this Fall. I know this is silly news but seriously I was ecstatic when I found out!!! Tons of awesome inexpensive house and baby stuff right down the road. oh yesssss.....

-Some more legitimately exciting news... Elizabeth (Jon's sister) is engaged!!! She told me while I was at the chess tournament (which are very quiet settings) and I literally had to run outside to the street so I could jump and scream! We are so so happy for her and Ben. I feel so honored to get to be her Matron of Honor and they asked Jon to officiate their wedding which is so so special to him. We are thrilled to get to know them more through doing their premarital counseling and thrilled to welcome Ben into the family!



**Update**
Ok ok, i can't resist showing you a little peek of the nursery... enjoy!!

Pregnancy brain

Sigh.... I need to take a break from my current project for a second. I'm sewing fabric panels to cover the closet in the baby's room. Probably the easiest sewing project I have undertaken so far. And I just spent 15 minutes ripping out a seam along a 6 foot panel because I sewed the pieces together backwards. Thanks Mom for buying me a seam ripper for my birthday last year when I got my sewing machine.

Pregnancy brain is for real.

I find myself dropping things on a regular basis. At work I will be putting something on my desk as I run past it in between patients and it will turn out the desk is a good 6 inches away from where I actually thought it was. Whatever object was heading towards it will clatter to the floor. Luckily most things made for pediatrics are sturdy. I have dropped my $400 otoscope several times these past few months. I also drop dishes all the time while washing them. They splash into the sink and spray me with water.

The other day I was drinking a glass of milk and somehow forgot to tilt the glass back upright before bringing it away from my mouth. I got a lot of milk on my lap.

So this sewing project is just another example of my life as I know it now. But can I just say that I try to compensate for what I know is a decrease in mental function--and that I even double checked the fabric before I sewed it and I still did it wrong...

Dear little baby in my belly, I love you so much. I love having you inside me. But remember how Daddy and I have been talking to you about how great it will be if you come out of my belly early? Well, I just wanted to remind you of those chats. We are so excited to meet you and get to hold you and kiss you and the sooner the better! And also, Mommy really needs her brain back so the sooner you come out the sooner that will happen! Please remember to leave behind any of her arithmetic skills, memory, sentence-forming ability, and brain processing speed when you do decide to come out. You are kicking me right now so hopefully that means you understand! Wait, is that laughter I hear from my belly... ?


{Hopefully at this moment I am taking on the bulk of the stupidity available to our family because Jon needs the brain power more than I do--RIGHT NOW he is in the middle of defending his orals paper! I am so so proud of him. This will be basically the culmination of his entire seminary experience. He has worked so hard and learned so much!!}

27 and 29 weeks (3rd trimester!!)

I know, I know. It's been a while. Don't worry, Aunt Judy, I'm doing fine :)

The last belly pic we took was at 27 weeks but then I left for NYC and never posted it, so here is the 27 week and 29 week pic.

27 weeks.
Things are starting to look rather large... and apparently it is scaring me. Note that this shirt doesn't cover my whole belly--this has been happening a lot lately. 

29 weeks.
It's looking more and more like I shoved a basketball up my shirt. 

 Crazy the difference these 2 weeks have made!

So last Monday we went for a prenatal visit and it was our first visit of our 3rd trimester. The visit was perfect--still measuring right on target, good heart rate, etc etc. We got to meet one of the midwives we hadn't met yet and we loved her! Third trimester has felt different all ready. It feels like we are really in the middle of baby preparation and it is crazy to be able to say the due date is in 10.5 weeks. (And that means I am full term in 7.5 weeks--yikes!!). The biggest shock to us was the realization that from this point on, we will be going to the birthing center every single week until the due date, either with some kind of class or some kind of appointment. Crazy! We start our birthing classes tomorrow evening, which we are both excited about, but honestly with our crazy weekend and past weeks I keep forgetting about! I will remember tomorrow I promise.

My belly is starting to make me uncomfortable, but still overall this pregnancy has been a breeze. We are still having so much fun with this baby in my belly. Lots and lots of movement still and I'm trying to learn baby's patterns throughout the day. I know I always say it, but we fall more in love with this baby every day. We are both glad that we didn't find out the gender and are excited about the surprise awaiting us!! I honestly never even think about or wish we had found out.

I know I haven't posted about NYC yet. It was awesome for sure--great time with Mom, Dad, Kate, and baby, and got to see lots of family. (Kate can I download pics from your Flickr account to put on here?) I was a little shocked, though, at how tired my body got during the travels... I don't know why I was surprised, because I am lugging around 25 extra pounds these days (yes, you read that right). But man it is hard to walk all day when your belly is hanging out over your pants! Lesson learned.

One of my favorite stories from the trip: As you know, the baby is quite an active one. I was excited about the family getting to feel lots of movement, but of course the first few days we were there she was hardly moving at all! I was bummed out for sure. I was joking with Jon that she just missed her daddy and didn't feel like moving around. So one afternoon I put the phone up to my belly so the baby could hear Jon's voice and she kicked right on the phone! It was awesome. Then we tried it again and sure enough, a jab right in the direction of daddy's voice. Me and Kate loved seeing it happen on our side, and Jon loved knowing that baby responded to her daddy. It was quite special. (Are you proud of me for using "she" so much in that paragraph?)

I'm feeling a bit absent minded at the moment. It is possible none of these sentences are actually coherent. We have had a productive but exhausting weekend doing projects for baby and house. I will post those pics later this week. Nice to be getting things checked off the list!!!

Babies R Us... Crazy R Us?????

That's right folks. Yesterday Jon and I entered into the mecca of baby gear that is Babies R Us. We had been warned. Warned of its overwhelming-ness, of its vast aisles of stuff-we-don't-need.

Well, in a lot of ways it was kind of fun. Thinking about our house being a home to a baby is a nice thought. And seeing all the "stuff" that comes along with converting your house to a baby house makes the idea of bringing Baby Buck home closer to reality.

Definitely the overwhelming factor was there, but not for the reasons I thought it would be. I felt overwhelmed because there is so much to decide and we have to decide it based on little to no information. We are just guessing. We have advice from friends, sure, but who knows what we will actually need when the time comes. I've mentioned before that I am incredibly indecisive and frugal, and Jon is my equal in these categories. Makes for an interesting match when the conversation is "Do you think we will use a bumbo?" "What is a bumbo?" "A seat." "How much does it cost?" "I don't know" "What color should we get?" "I don't like any of the colors." "Do we really need a bumbo?" "It might be nice to have." "Our friends love their bumbo." "Should we get one?" "I don't know." "Let's get green." "Ok, yeah I have heard people really like Boppys." "No, this is a bumbo not a boppy." "What is the difference?" "A boppy is a pillow." "What is a bumbo?" "A seat." "Why does everything start with a B?"

We ended up putting most of the things we need on the registry, but still my frugality wins over and I created a registry on amazon.com too, for some of the bigger things that either Babies R Us didn't have, or that are so much cheaper that I couldn't resist. It's amazing how Babies R Us can keep their prices so high when things are available for such bargains elsewhere!

We joked in the car before entering the store that we should just walk around the aisles and any time Baby Buck gives me a kick, we will stop right there and register for whatever item we are nearest. Baby was kicking as usually yesterday morning at home, but the entire time we were in the store, I did not feel a single flutter. I had forgotten about our idea of choosing items based on kicks until we got back into the car, exhausted, and Baby Buck started up again with full fledged wiggles. It was a timely and important reminder to us. Thanks, little one, for reminding Mommy and Daddy that you do not care what color bumbo seat we chose. Thanks for reminding us that YOU are the most important thing. I might need more reminders of this from time to time... thanks in advance and we love you a whole bunch.

24 weeks!

Friday was baby's 24 week anniversary of living in my womb. The belly is growing for sure, as you can see...

Yes my hair is wet is this picture. When we actually remember to take a belly pic and the camera is handy, we don't waste a second.

This morning we had our 24 week midwife appointment. Jon got to be present which made the visit much better! :) I am measuring right at 24 cm. And we are relieved to find out that our overly active baby is nothing to worry about. Just a lucky problem to have--feeling kicks and movement TOO much! Our midwife said if we are feeling some movement in the morning and some at night that was fine, and we laughed and said What about some movement every hour? We are hoping our little one will get out all his or her energy now and then be a SUPER good sleeper. We can hope. The midwife said baby will start becoming in sync with my circadian rhythms in the 3rd trimester. Thank goodness, because at this point the child has no circadian rhythm. 

Oh AND the internet informed us this weekend that my uterus is now the size of a soccer ball. Yep.

We ended up ordering the yellow and gray fabric last weekend which I am SO excited about! The gray one arrived today and it is a softer gray than in the picture, but I love it and think it will be so great for the baby's room. My mind is still rolling with ideas for crafty things to do for the nursery--hopefully we can accomplish all we have in mind! That due date sure is looking closer every day. Well, I guess it IS closer every day... Some friends and I are signing up for sewing classes which should help with all of my fabric-y nursery endeavors. 

Let's take this opportunity to wish a WONDERFUL HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear hubby. 27 years old. Yikes. Usually when Jon turns his next age I just go ahead and say I am that age too, but I think I'll hold off this year until my actual birthday :). We are having a great day relaxing and opening presents. 

Happy Valentine's day!

Catching up...

This past week was a bit busy with work, school, snow, etc so we forgot to take a 23 week picture. Rest assured, this belly is growing at a mighty pace. We will take one at 24 weeks and post it with our 24 week appointment update.

So, a few ramblings...

--I hope you all loved Jon's post about his chess tournament. :) So proud of my nerdy hubby. It was actually kind of fun... if "fun" is the right word... to be there for the tournament. I started reading "The Immortal Game" by David Shenk, which is the book that initially spawned Jon's more serious pursuit of the game. The book is actually very interesting and it is helping me to become more familiar with chess. Jon and I both realize that chess will never be my kind of game, but it helps to at least know more about it, especially when it is so important to Jon.

--This past week marked a milestone in my pregnancy. The belly-band-paired-with-my-regular-unbuttoned-pants option is no longer on the table. As my mom put it, I finally admitted I am pregnant, and was forced to buy some maternity pants for work. Jon was such a supportive husband about this and took me shopping Wednesday to purchase some VERY comfy work pants from Target. When I got home Tuesday night basically in tears because I felt sick, tired from my drive in the snow, and totally uncomfortable from my clothes, he was like "Why haven't you told me this before??" My new maternity pants give me a much needed attitude boost at work and make the long drives much more comfortable!

--Baby wise, this little one has been moving around a lot these last few weeks! Like I said in our Cabo post, the movement really picked up that week, but then the week after we got home it slowed down a lot. I was wondering if the baby was responding to the cold temps and lower oxygen level here in Colorado, but then those kicks and squirms returned so I know we are not causing brain damage by living at high altitude.  I am so thankful that I have been able to feel this much movement early on. I know it is not unusual to not feel ANY movement for a few more weeks, but we got to feel the position of the baby and some movement as early as 16 weeks I think.

--On that note, aside from the discomforts, and the recent sick bouts that have been returning, I still do love having this little one inside me. I feel more bonded to this baby every day, and feel like I am getting to know him or her as a unique person more and more. I feel like I already have a sense of his/her personality--is that weird?? Or even possible? We are so proud of this little one who is growing so much!! Now the baby weighs a whole pound and is about 1 foot long. That seems SO big to me but then I think about how much bigger he/she will get!!!

--The due date seems to be coming up faster and faster... Nursery planning is underway, albeit slowly due to my indecisiveness and frugality. I am trying to find some furniture on craigslist or antique stores that I can spruce up, and I'm going to order fabric and make the bedding/curtains myself (yikes... I hemmed some pants the other day and they are quite a piece of work. If you come to my house someday please do not look closely at the stitching of said curtains and bedding). I gave myself a deadline that if I don't find what I want on craigslist by the end of February, I will splurge and by new furniture. That seems reasonable.

Here is the main yellow fabric that I like for the nursery, and a gray one that will complement it.

 

I feel like I have spent so much time looking at fabric online I need to just bite the bullet and order it. I am so indecisive. The other night when I was falling asleep I kept seeing fabric patterns every time I closed my eyes. That's got to mean something right? Yep, time to make the decision...

--Man I know I could be more decisive if only my amazing, creative, crafty sister was here to help me! Oh but wait---- She WILL be here soon!!!! (Ok that lead in to this next piece of news didn't quite work, but go with it...) We found out about a week ago that Kate has an architecture internship next summer here in Littleton! She will get to live with us for the summer and get to help us out around the house and get to watch her little niece or nephew grow the first few months of his/her life! We are so excited to have her and Baby Buck is excited too :) What a lucky baby to get to have TWO wonderful aunts close by when he/she enters the world! We are looking forward to a super fun summer :)