19 days of being a mommy

Let's take time for some reflections today... don't worry, pictures will still come later.

This is probably the first time in 19 days that I have been sitting quietly, by myself, baby sleeping, feeling awake enough to actually write a post, rather than just post pictures. Am I showered? No. Have I had enough to eat today? No. But those things are not requirements for sitting down and thinking through what these past few weeks have taught me.

Where do I even begin?

You may remember that heartfelt post I wrote several months ago (seems longer) about motherhood being a process of letting go. I thought through that concept a lot during pregnancy. It was a major part of my motherhood self-preparation. Personally, I am not naturally one who thrives off of letting go of anything. So I knew that it was important for my personal growth, and in order to be the best mommy to Baby Buck, to think through what letting go would mean as a mother.

I honestly think I did a pretty good job of thinking and praying through that idea. And as much as I could have prepared myself for motherhood and all the emotions that come along with it, again I would say I think I did pretty well.

Then Jonathan was born.

Whoa.

The whole letting go thing took on a whole new meaning, with each day bringing new dimensions and layers to the process. I have found it hard to let go of Jonathan in so many ways already: him sleeping in his nursery while I am in the living room, letting others hold him and bond with him. Lots of these tangible, physical ways that we have become two separate beings. But it is in the emotional sense that I have been surprised at my difficulty in letting go. During a cry session with Jon a while ago, I realized that I have this huge need for Jonathan to know that I love him. And if he is crying, it somehow means that he doesn't know that I love him, so I better go in there and make sure he knows it. Jon reassured me that he does know I love him. And that sometimes loving him will mean letting him cry. And that it is my need, not the need of my boy, that I am trying to fulfill when I have this insane need for him to feel my love. Talk about not letting the kid go. I was feeling a pull toward the opposite of letting go--constant smothering.

I was surprised by a few things about being a mom, but one thing in particular stands out. I thought that my "maternal instinct" would be a bit more obvious to me. I thought I would be much more in tune to what my baby needs. It turns out, I am in tune. But I was surprised how little I could trust that instinct when Jonathan was first born. I realized that my instinct had to be tailored to this person, who I had to get to know. I am getting to know him so well. I know most of his cries now. I know when he is tired and when he is hungry. I know he often takes a 6 minute post-milk nap when he is actually not quite finished with his feeding. I know what things he likes to do during his "play time." I know when he just needs some Daddy time. But these things took time for me to learn, and my instinct was honed as I took the time to learn them. It seems counterintuitive to describe an instinct as being learned--I mean isn't that the opposite of an instinct? But motherhood has taught me that this is true.

As that instinct has been developed, I have been better able to trust the letting go process. Since I know my boy better, I can trust that I am loving him the best I can even when it means doing something he doesn't like (eg. letting him cry it out like I am doing right now... yikes this is hard!!). I don't have this irrational need for him to know I love him because I am more secure in my mommy role and more confident in my love for him. I guess we mamas can only release our children to be themselves when we are confident of our own self, our own place in their lives and in the world. Yikes that sounds impossible--to be secure in who I am--but surprisingly motherhood is teaching me just that.

The one with all the poop

We did not make a blog post yesterday. I don't even know if we took any pictures of Jonathan yesterday. Let me tell you why.

We had 2 outings scheduled. That is a lot for us. One was my 1 week follow up at the birthing center. The other was a trip to Children's Hospital for some lab tests for Jonathan. So our Tuesday ended up being pretty busy.

We had to go to Children's because one of Jonathan's newborn screening tests came back positive. There is a very high chance this particular test was a false positive, but we still had to go do the follow up tests just in case. The test was for an organic acid deficiency, which would mean he lacks the ability to process one amino acid. If the test is truly positive, the treatment will either be nothing, or some diet modification. I was freaking out (sobbing) about it at first, but I have calmed down a lot since then and haven't really worried about it since. We will see what the lab tests show...

So anyway, an outing to Children's is a big outing. It is about a 30 minute drive, and you never know about traffic. Once there, it is unpredictable how busy the lab will be. We could end up waiting 5 minutes or 45 minutes. We didn't really know what the lab tests would entail, or if it would take a long time to do. So we had to be prepared for anything. We learned a few things...

First, I nursed in public for the first time. He was getting cranky in the waiting room, so I whipped out my homemade nursing cover and we got down to business. Luckily nursing has been going very well, so I wasn't too worried about that. A little hard to maneuver the cover and my boob and the kid, but we made it work. I told Jon I couldn't care less if anyone saw my boobs actually--I was just in a mission to get my man fed.

Enough about my boobs.

We finally got called back. He had to get both a blood test and a urine test. For the urine test, they put a bag over him to catch his pee. Of course he had a wet diaper in the waiting room which would have been so nice to capture in the bag. When we opened his diaper to put on the bag, he also had a bit of poo there too. I told the lab lady that he will likely pee before he poops again since he pees like a faucet but is a bit more conservative with his poops. She told me that if he even poops at all, we would have to replace the bag because it would be contaminated. So we put the bag on. And sure enough... rumbles down below. We opened his diaper and Jonathan had the runniest poo he has ever had. I mean it was like running out of his diaper. All over the exam table. All over the pee bag.

So the bag had to be replaced. At least he got his poo out though. He doesn't usually poop too much in a row. I was holding him with his new bag on, and we hadn't put a new diaper on yet. Then we heard the explosion. His bum exploded poop into my hand. All over the floor. On my cute shoes. We all stood there in shock for a second. Amazed at what had just happened. Then for good measure he did it again. Poop in the hand, on the floor, on the shoes. Then he started peeing. Into the bag. We came out of our shocked state into a frenzied mission of removing the pee-filled bag before any poop came in contact with it. My hand was full of poo. But that didn't stop this mama from focusing on the task at hand: get the pee sample so we don't have to stay here 5 more hours!

The funny thing is, I wasn't even grossed out. I had a hand full of crap. But I honestly didn't mind.

We got the bag off and the rest of the visit went (fairly) smoothly. I nursed him again after his heel-prick. Oh how I will have more compassion for every parent who watches their child get poked. It is awful.

Jonathan does not hold back when it comes to thrusting Jon and I into the thick of this parenting thing. He wants us to gain good experience.  From our crazy birth, to the phototherapy lights, to the need for this lab test, to the poo filled outing, we feel we are ready for anything.

Our second outing to the birthing center went much smoother and was much nicer smelling.

Pictures to come later! Lots of cute ones so far today :)

Babies R Us... Crazy R Us?????

That's right folks. Yesterday Jon and I entered into the mecca of baby gear that is Babies R Us. We had been warned. Warned of its overwhelming-ness, of its vast aisles of stuff-we-don't-need.

Well, in a lot of ways it was kind of fun. Thinking about our house being a home to a baby is a nice thought. And seeing all the "stuff" that comes along with converting your house to a baby house makes the idea of bringing Baby Buck home closer to reality.

Definitely the overwhelming factor was there, but not for the reasons I thought it would be. I felt overwhelmed because there is so much to decide and we have to decide it based on little to no information. We are just guessing. We have advice from friends, sure, but who knows what we will actually need when the time comes. I've mentioned before that I am incredibly indecisive and frugal, and Jon is my equal in these categories. Makes for an interesting match when the conversation is "Do you think we will use a bumbo?" "What is a bumbo?" "A seat." "How much does it cost?" "I don't know" "What color should we get?" "I don't like any of the colors." "Do we really need a bumbo?" "It might be nice to have." "Our friends love their bumbo." "Should we get one?" "I don't know." "Let's get green." "Ok, yeah I have heard people really like Boppys." "No, this is a bumbo not a boppy." "What is the difference?" "A boppy is a pillow." "What is a bumbo?" "A seat." "Why does everything start with a B?"

We ended up putting most of the things we need on the registry, but still my frugality wins over and I created a registry on amazon.com too, for some of the bigger things that either Babies R Us didn't have, or that are so much cheaper that I couldn't resist. It's amazing how Babies R Us can keep their prices so high when things are available for such bargains elsewhere!

We joked in the car before entering the store that we should just walk around the aisles and any time Baby Buck gives me a kick, we will stop right there and register for whatever item we are nearest. Baby was kicking as usually yesterday morning at home, but the entire time we were in the store, I did not feel a single flutter. I had forgotten about our idea of choosing items based on kicks until we got back into the car, exhausted, and Baby Buck started up again with full fledged wiggles. It was a timely and important reminder to us. Thanks, little one, for reminding Mommy and Daddy that you do not care what color bumbo seat we chose. Thanks for reminding us that YOU are the most important thing. I might need more reminders of this from time to time... thanks in advance and we love you a whole bunch.