12 weeks of fun

Baby J is 12 weeks old today.

This week is another milestone for me. I told Jon yesterday that I felt like myself again. I'm not sure what it was about this week, but I feel just, well, better. I feel like I'm better at being a mommy. I'm more confident for sure. I don't worry about my "connection" with Jonathan like I used to, especially like I did when I went back to work.

Going back to work was hard. I was exhausted. And I felt so inadequate as a mom. I hated leaving my son in the morning. And I hated not knowing what he was doing all day (although I probably called Jon enough times to basically know his every move). He would change so much and then I would have a day off and feel like I didn't even know him anymore, or that he didn't even know me. I don't feel like that anymore. Man I sure do appreciate having these 3 weeks off more than I appreciated the first 9 weeks of being home with him! I think going back to work after these 3 weeks will be easier.

I also feel like I can engage other people again. I can have conversations. I can form sentences. I can think new thoughts. This sounds silly, but I didn't really pursue hanging out with people these past 12 weeks because I felt like my head was always in a fog. But that's different now. I can give to others and receive from them as well.

Now don't go thinking "Oh Jonathan must be sleeping through the night." That is not what is happening!  We are still doing a few feedings during the night, but maybe I am just used to this amount of sleep now. I definitely feel less sleep deprived, even if that is not the case. I'm not having irrational emotional breakdowns anymore--or at least not as frequently :). Before when I would have those, I knew it was because of sleep deprivation. Now I just feel more alert, more engaged, more ready to combat those silly lies in my head that I don't know how to be Jonathan's mommy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I KNOW how to be his mommy. I AM his mommy.

I really love being a mom. I knew that I would. That didn't surprise me. What is surprising me this week is that more and more I realize I love being Jonathan's mom. I feel so lucky to get to know this little guy, this little person. I have been seeing him as an individual a lot more lately. I love that I get to be the one to care for him. That I get to learn all about him. That I get to be a part of all his learning and growing and changing. I really like this new place that we're in--where I can fall more in love with him because of who he is, rather than just love him because he came out of me. Jon and I both find so much joy in this little person. We are so thankful.

Some more fact-y updates:

-Jonathan eats about 3-4 oz at a feeding when he is bottle-fed. I think when I am home from work he gets a bit more snacky, and eats more often. I realized I probably offer a feeding more often than he is actually hungry, so he is just used to eating often and in small amounts. I have been trying to change that this weekend, and we are definitely seeing improvement!

-At the risk of invoking the blog curse, I will go out on a limb and say that naps are getting much better. I feel ok saying that because it hasn't just been the past 2 days that lead me to believe that. It's been about a week now where he will just fall asleep better on his own. Jon and I are getting better at recognizing his tired cues and putting him down when we see them. Still no set nap schedule, which I am totally fine with.

-At night his longest stretch of sleep is the first stretch, which will be from 3-6 hours. Bedtime is from 5:30-6:30 usually. We are getting some semblance of bedtime routine, but it is not set quite yet.

-He will wake up about 2-3 times for feedings during the night. Usually every 3ish hours. The early morning hours are the roughest, since he has trouble sleeping for long stretches then. I thought for a while that his clock was just set to wake at certain times since it seemed no matter how much he ate or what time he ate, he would still consistently wake at certain times. But the past few nights it has been different so hopefully we are on the right track.

-He smiles a lot more now. Even at me :)

-For the record, Jonathan rolled over all day on Saturday and has not rolled one time since. 

Instead of rolling, he just gently laid his head down on his play mat,
where he was happy to be able to get his fingers into his mouth. 

Whoopsie, got those fingers a little
too far into his mouth!
That's called the gag reflex, son.

-He LOVES his playmat and all the little toys on it. That is obvious to you I'm sure!

Our latest trick is I will turn the Monkey away from him...

...and then get a HUGE smile when I show Jonathan the Monkey's face again. 

Back of Monkey...

Oh there's that Monkey face I love!

-He loves books! And actually pays attention to them! His favorites are Colors, Big Red Barn, Goodnight Moon, and Who's Under That Hat?. He sometimes gets so excited when we read them that his arms and legs fly around the whole time. Sometimes he just gets really calm and focused when we read. Goodnight Moon and Big Red Barn often soothe him to sleep. I LOVE that my little man is already a reader :) (Both for his sake AND mine of course! I love getting to read just as much as I love that he loves it).

-He is such a good baby. I really think Jon and I are getting spoiled. We are probably in for it with our next one. When he meets new people or is in a new situation, he just calmly takes it all in. Wow he is such a sweet, happy baby. We are so lucky.